Gut Rumbles

February 05, 2008

Two turds in the doghouse

Originally published December 20, 2003

Quinton set the woods behind my house on fire today.

Actually, HE didn't do it. Hillary "borrowed" a cigarette lighter from her mama's bedroom drawer and the bunch of wild hellions started a "campfire" in my back yard. I saw what they were doing and I told Quinton that he was in charge. I didn't mind them having a campfire, but I expected him to take care of it. "You've seen me build a fire 100 times," I told him. "You know what to do."

I believed that he did. He didn't.

He and Jack became distracted when the wind blew up their asses and took their brains away. They went off to shoot a basketball and left Jack's little sister Kiley around the fire. I'm still not sure what happened next, because after I put out the fire (with the help of a very alert and polite neighbor, who jumped his fence with a shovel in his hand when he saw me battling the blaze), finger-pointing went everywhere.

"Kiley threw burning sticks into the woods!"

"Jack was supposed to put the fire out!"

"Hillary was supposed to be watching Kiley!"

I cut through all the bullshit. I sent the girls home and told the boys to get their butts into the house. I sat them down and administered a tounge-lashing that I wish I had recorded. I talked about responsibility and trust, disappointment and anger. I told them that I expected more from them than what I saw today. I told them that a moment of carelessness such as what they displayed could have burned down somebody's home and landed me in jail. I waxed eloquent.

By the time I was finished, Quinton was crying and Jack was as shrunk-up as a spider on a hot stove. I then banished them to Quinton's room until I decide to let them out of prison. They are suffering horribly in there, playing video games, but I believe that I got my point across.

Got-dam. They almost fucked-up badly today.

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