September 30, 2006

All Ya' Hadda Do Was Ask...

...and he'd damned sure tell ya'.
Lil T~
Originally posted, March 01,2005

A Quiz

THE 'WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?' BLOGGER QUIZ

1. Who the hell do you think you are?
I KNOW who the fuck I am, asshat. I am Acidman, a crazed hillbilly turned Cracker who doesn't need to explain himself to YOU.

2. So, other than blogging, what's your job? Do you work at some fast food joint, dumbass?
I am a man of leasure today. I don't work. But I HAVE worked in a fast-food restaurant before, and I was good at it. Of course, I've been pretty good at everything I ever tried in life--- except staying married.

3. Do you have like any experience in journalism, idiot?
Yes, and most of it was unpleasant. Not nearly as much fun as blogging.

4. Do you even read newspapers?
No. I am functionally illiterate and I don't read at all. "Stop" signs confuse me.

5. Do you watch any other news than FOX News propaganda, you ignorant fool?
Yes. I sometimes watch CNN and CBS when I feel the overpowering desire to hear lies.

6. I bet you're some moron talk radio listener too, huh?
Hey! We've got a GREAT talk radio host right here in Savannah, with his own show from 8:00 till noon every day on WBMQ, 630 on the AM dial. His name is Ben Bennet and I think he's headed for stardom someday. I listen to his show only when I'm driving around in my truck, but I think he's damned good. He needs to start a blog.

7. So, do you get a fax from the GOP each day for what to say, you @#$% Republican parrot?
Acutally, I receive several such missives every day and I delete them without reading them. I have my own opinions about EVERYTHING, including where you can bite me for calling me a "parrot."

8. Why do you and your blogger friends want to silence and fire everyone who disagrees with you, fascist?
I don't want to "silence" them. I want them dragged off and shot. I deplore stupidity.

9. Are you completely ignorant of other countries, or do you actually own a passport?
I own a passport. It doesn't have a very good picture of me on it. I resemble a serial killer in that photo. Maybe that's why Customs always pays me extra attention when I travel.

10. Have you even been to another country, you dumb hick?
No. I've never left my mama's basement. I LIE about going to other countries, but it's all bullshit.

11. If you're so keen on the war, why haven't you signed up, chickenhawk?
I'm 53 fucking years old, asswipe, and I ain't in the best of shape anymore. The military wouldn't have me now if I offered to pay THEM for the privilege to serve. But I still support the war 100% and if my son ends up in it, I'll be proud of him.

12. Do you have any idea of the horrors of war? Have you ever reached into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face?
No. But I've felt my own face turn into a pile of goo after drinking moonshine whiskey.

13. Have you ever reached into any pile of goo?
Yes. That would be my last ex-wife, the Bloodless Cunt. That is True Goo.

14. Once again, who the hell do you think you are?!"
What's YOUR problem, numbnuts? Ya got short-term memory loss from sniffing too much model airplane glue? I already answered this question. I am ACIDMAN!!! Who the hell do you think YOU are?

"Robisms"

I got "...dragged off and shot."...more'n once.
What did the Acidic One have to say to YOU?
O' course ya' know, he really DID care if you were "insulted".
Pfttt.
Lil T~

Originally posted March 02, 2005.
If I Say This To You...

Loyal readers already know these facts, but I'm posting them for newbies who may be easily insulted:

* You sick fuck. If I accuse you of being a sick fuck, that's high praise from me. You've got to EARN that honor.

* You should be dragged off and shot. That's not as good as being a sick fuck, but it's close.

* "Bite my Cracker ass." You're slipping down the food chain here, but you're still a contender to be dragged off and shot.

* "In MY humble opinion" means that I don't give a rat's ass WHAT you think.

* "Bejus!" I made that one up, and even I'm not sure what it means. I think it has religious connotations.

* WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!! My typical response to junk-science bullshit.

* My aching ass. Figure that one out for yourself.

Just more that I thought you needed to know about Acidman.

September 28, 2006

'Cause Lil Mizz Samantha...

...asked me to, I'll be re-postin' for a while.
Lil Toni~

Originally posted:
July 12, 2004

10 reasons Why I Hate Black People

In response to the email posted below:

1) I DON'T hate black people. But a lot of people believe that I do, so fuck it.

2) Racism exists in this country and I'm sorry to say that it always will. So will sexism, classism, eliteism and every other kind of "ism" you can name. People have ALWAYS picked on anyone they could, and they always will. That's simple human nature and you'll see it over and over again if you study history.

3) Being black is no excuse for failure. You may have a steeper climb, but you can make it. Look around. A lot of black people have. You can do it, too.

4) Stop making your own bed and bitching about sleeping in it. Black people who listen to Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton and expect the government to give them something for nothing are blind sheep. Those "leaders" have a vested interest in keeping the slaves on the plantation. If you listen to them, that's where you'll stay.

5) Learn to read and write. That's not "acting white." That's the key to success anywhere you want to go. And ANYBODY can master those tools.

6) Nobody ever said life was fair. It ain't and it never will be. Get over that fact. You're not the only people ever pissed on by life. Look at the Jews and the Vietnamese. THEY were pissed on, but they didn't lay there in the puddle to be pissed on again.

7) I've never liked labor unions because they preach the lowest common denominator as a standard for performance. I do not believe that we should dumb down the rest of society, create "4.6" GPAs and engage in the tacit racism of low expectations for black people. That kind of crap only exacerbates the problem.

8) Black men: raise your goddam children. I've heard this shit too often to recall--- some 20-something black guy bragging to his buddies at work that he KNOWS he's a man because he's sired three children by different wimmen. He doesn't know his kid's names, but that doesn't matter to him. He thinks he's a man. Dogs do what he did. Fathers don't.

9) Accept responsibility for your own actions. I know that it's a lot to ask in today's victim-oriented society, but do you really believe that hip-hop and rap, ebonics and baggy pants are the way to get out of the ghetto? I don't think so. I believe it's the way to keep yourself mired there and it's YOUR CHOICE TO MAKE.

10) Blame all of your problems on ME. That's right. If you are unemployed, living on a welfare check, semi-raising illegitimate children and unable to read the want ads in the newspaper, I DID THAT TO YOU. Me. Whitey. It ain't YOUR fault. Racist bastards such as myself took away every opportunity in your life, made you drop out of school and become pregnant or a jailbird and bitter because manna from heaven didn't fall right into your lap. Just do me one simple favor. Take a good, long look in the mirror before you point a finger at me.

Okay, there's a racist rant. Now, all you bleeding hearts and Acidman-haters can have a field day with it.

September 20, 2006

No Time

I'm not sure how much longer I can really keep this blog up. My discount $5/month dial-up internet is about to quit and we just can't afford anything else right now. I'd love to be able to update with old posts everyday but I can't. I may check in every so often if people still stop by just to give a quick update on how things are going with the family. Gut Rumbles just can't survive without Acidman.

September 10, 2006

Dad

The autopsy came back that dad had a pulmonary embolism which probably contributed to his death. I hope this is some sort of relief to those of you who knew him. It is to me. It's hard not knowing anything.

Just thought you all might like to know this.

September 09, 2006

Originally posted Dec 31 2005

Resolutions

I stopped making New Year's Resolutions years ago. Before then, I would make the resolutions, convince myself that I was serious about keeping them, and then break every damned one, usually before the end of January.

That crap was a waste of my time and a real blow to my self-esteem. If I broke promises that I made to MYSELF, for crying out loud, I HAD to be a really shitty human being, worthy of NO ONE'S trust. I finally figured out that I was better off NOT making resolutions that I was bound to piss all over than I was lying to myself like a delusional, disgusting swine.

But, being in touch with my feminine side today, I have changed my mind. Here are my Resolutions For 2006:

1) I will drink no alcohol today. Or tomorrow, when that day comes.

2) I am going to get off my dead ass and start recording on my home studio. I've had the damned thing set up for more than two months now and I haven't done diddly-squat with it. I'm gonna cut my own CD of original songs with me playing all the instruments and me singing all the vocals. Then, I'm gonna sell the CD on my blog.

3) I'm going to start playing golf regularly. I'm going to get good at the game again, too.

4) I WILL NOT buy any more firearms or musical instruments in 2006. I have more of those than I need already.

5) I will continue to blog.

6) I will sail to Belize with Recondo 32 this summer. I will survive the trip, too, even if I have to put his lovely, loud-mouthed wife, Georgia, in the lifeboat and tow her on a line 50 yards behind us when she gets in one of her bitchy moods. (Yes, she intends to go, too.) If she keeps bitchin' after that, I'll just cut the tow-rope when Recondo isn't looking. He's deaf. He'll never hear her cries for help.

7) I'm gonna get a cat for a pet, take LOTS of "cute" pictures of it and post the pictures on my blog every day. Heh. I threw that one in there just to take the pressure off of keeping ALL my resolutions.

8) I'm going back to Costa Rica at least TWICE in 2006.

9) I'm going to start a light weightlifting program and gain another 20 pounds. I'm still too weak and skinny to suit myself. I'm eating a lot better than I was, and I don't want to get fat. Yes, I am older than dirt, decrepit as hell and losing my hair, but I'm still vain.

10) I'm going back to work on my novel and I will finish it in 2006. I also intend to sell that fucker, make a mint and retire AGAIN, this time in Costa Rica.

Those should be no problem to keep.

September 08, 2006

Originally Posted September 25 2005

Things I Learned From Movies

I've been studying and here are the facts:

* All cars blow up in a big fireball when they wreck.

* All wimmen are beautiful and horny for an action hero.

* You should ALWAYS hold a pistol sideways in your hand.

* If you are diving or doing summersaults, you can't be shot.

* If you know kung-fu, you can fly. Why the NBA doesn't recruit those air-ladder climbers is a mystery to me.

* Good guys always get wounded in the left shoulder or the leg.

* Whores have hearts of gold. (Some actually do! But most don't.)

* All action heroes can drive with the skill of a NASCAR racer.

* Bad guys can't shoot for shit. Even with automatic weapons.

* ALL bombs on timers tick down to about two seconds before the action hero figures out which wire to cut to disarm it, and then go fuck the girl.

* Magic guns exist. A six-shot revolver can fire nine times without reloading. I've SEEN that on television, and I want a gun that loads itself. I'd pay good money for that.

* Every Vietnam veteran has a footlocker stored somewhere with grenades, dynamite and some kind of exotic high-powered rifle in there.

* Wimmen who go through the wringer, damn near get killed and have to crawl through a sewer to survive emerge with manicured nails with no dirt under them. Their coif usually doesn't look too bad, either.

Movies---just like a real slice of life

September 06, 2006

Originally Posted Januray 30 2006

Playing Guitar

Since I am soon to become a teacher, I've been thinking a lot about how I learned to play guitar. I've never had a formal lesson in my life. I started with a Mel Bay chord book and a $19 Silvertone guitar (with a neck like a pine log, heavy-gauge Black Diamond strings and action that was pure torture). That's how I know about the "WANT TO" factor. If I learned to play on the monstrosity I started with, I had to want it bad. I DID, too.

I've played a lot of guitars lately that sell for less than $200 and play like a dream. Ask jimbo about the one I picked out for him as an emergency back-up to his Gibson. I haven't heard him complain yet. I wish that I had started on one of those decent guitars. Learning to play would have been so much easier that way. Some people say that suffering builds strong character. If that's true, I ought to have character out the wazoo from playing that Silvertone.

After I taught myself to play some chords and strum with a flat pick, I decided that I wanted to learn how to finger-pick, too. I was heavily influenced by Paul Simon and Gordon Lightfoot in those days, so I listened to what they did and tried to copy it.

I had a cheap stereo in my room and my turntable had a 16 2/3 RPM setting on it. I played 33 1/3 RPM records on the 16 2/3 setting so that I could hear the individual notes better than at actual speed. No shit--- that's how I learned to finger-pick.

I also played drums at the time in a famous Rock & Roll band called "Snake and the Reptiles." Richard English was our lead guitar player (his nickname was "Snake," hence the name of the band) and I used to watch carefully everything he played on his Fender Mustang. After band practice or after a gig, I went home and tried to copy what he did.

Later, I was lucky enough to meet some pretty good guitar players and I learned a lot from them, too. The key ingredient to the entire process was simple: I really WANTED to learn to play guitar and I worked my ass off at it.

Here is my advice for beginners:

1) Start with a decent guitar. Learning to play is difficult enough without handicapping yourself with a Chinese Torture Contraption for an instrument. You don't have to spend a ton of money to buy a good guitar today, so get one to start with.

2) Be patient. If you can't handle frustration, don't even THINK about learning to play ANY musical instrument. Remember what my daddy always told me: "If it was easy, any asshole could do it." As a baby, you crawled before you walked and you walked before you ran. It's the same process when you pick up a guitar for the first time. You didn't learn to run overnight and you won't learn to play guitar overnight, either. (Even if you DO sleep with your guitar under your bed.

3) PRACTICE!!! Taking a lesson once a week isn't enough. Play until your fingers hurt, then play some more. Repeat. Then repeat again.

4) Never be shy about sitting down to play with people who are a lot better than you are. You can learn a lot that way. Also, I've seldom met guitar players who weren't willing to help a beginner, because they remember what those days were like themselves.

5) Study music theory. I played clarinet in my school band for a couple of years and I was fortunate to have a good teacher who believed in pounding music theory into my young head. Music is downright mathematical once you understand how it's put together.

Okay, that's enough. I think I'm working on my lesson plans by blogging when I should have a guitar in my hands. I've got a "Guitar For Beginners" DVD I need to watch a few more times before I start my first class. (I'm hoping to be a GOOD teacher.) Besides, I shouldn't be giving this stuff away for free when I can get paid for doing it.

If you want to learn to play guitar, sign up for one of my classes.

September 02, 2006

Raising Children

Originally posted October 28, 2004

Human beings are gluttons for punishment. Due to some insane, primordial instinct, we INSIST on having children.

A woman spends nine months being pregnant and experiencing hormonal upheavals and the man spends nine months living with that crap. It's a bitch of an experience.

Then, when the precious little bundle of joy is born, it can't do a damn thing for itself. It shits its diaper, pisses all over itself, cries long and loud in the middle of the night and can't tell you what's the matter. YOU have to feed it, YOU have to clean it and YOU have to figure out what's wrong and FIX IT when the banshee howls start at 2:30 in the morning.

You teach the little fuckers to walk and then spend the next ten years yelling, "Sit DOWN! Hold STILL. Come BACK here!" You teach the little fuckers to talk, and you can't shut them up--- EVER again.

Little girls like to scream in a high-pitched voice that will shatter glass. Little boys like to do stupid things and get hurt. If you have a woman-child, buy a set of earplugs to soften those screams. If you have a boy-child, get a good first-aid kit and the phone number for the emergency room of the nearest hospital.

Later, they turn into teenagers and hate your guts for a few years. That's REALLY fun, especially after all the work you've put into raising them. Ungrateful shits.

Still... I wouldn't trade either one of my children for the world. That's flesh of MY flesh and blood of MY blood. That's my one tenuous hold on immortality. My children. I'd go back and do it again tomorrow, even KNOWING what I was getting into.

You'll never feel such overpowering love as when you smell the first breath that your child takes in this world.