Gut Rumbles

December 28, 2011

roscoe update

Originally published October 9, 2003

I've been doing a lot better lately.

I think most of the soreness is gone now, and even though I still carry a semi-boner all the time because of the implants, I'm not as tender as I was and it gives me a constant bulge in the britches that most men would kill for.

I just have one or two problems.

When my next-door neighbor comes home from work and clicks her garage door opener from the car, her garage door goes up. So does Roscoe. I tried to get the same results from MY garage-door opener, but I must not have the correct frequency.

I've tried to buy that special clicker from her, but she locks the door and calls 911 if I yell "I WANT IT!" at her. What is wrong with that woman? I mean, it's not like it's HER that I want, although I wouldn't kick her out of bed. I just want HER GARAGE DOOR OPENER.

I offered to swap mine for hers. She asked why. I told her. She called 911.

I am TIRED of the police showing up at my house all the time. They damn near took me to jail last night because I offered to show a lady cop how the garage-door technology worked on a bionic dick. I was looking down the barrels of two 9mms and one thirty-eight before I could get my belt undone. And that bitch next door was running the garage door up and down the entire time.

I think the bitch next door hates me. She knew EXACTLY what she was doing. I got handcuffed and patted down before the cops let me go. The lady cop helped with the frisking. She checked my crotch for weapons.

I have her phone number now.

December 21, 2011

i must look really old

Originally published September 19, 2003

The company I work for just announced a corporate-wide Work Force Reduction Plan to trim about $30 million per year off operating costs. The company intends to get rid of between 7-to-9 percent of the people currently employed. The dirty deed will be done in three ways:

1) We'll give you the chance to leave of your own volition, with a nice early retirement package if you are over the age of 55 with at least seven years with the company.

2) You will be told to leave because your job is abolished, and you will receive a reduced severance package.

3) You will be thrown out on your ear because your boss says that you were never worth a shit anyway. The "severance package" you get then is a set of walking papers.

I cannot believe the number of people who have asked ME if I am going to take "the package." I WOULD if I COULD, but I'm only 51 (and a half) years old!!! I DON'T QUALIFY!!!

This shit has really depressed me since the notice was released. Do I really LOOK 55 or older? Maybe I do. I damn sure have the gray silver hair of someone that age. I look in the mirror MYSELF and wonder who IS that old fart staring back at me? Yeah, I could see someone 30 years old thinking I was ready to be put to out pasture when he/she sees me.

But I really believe that people at work think I am older than my actual age because I've been there for a long time. There are only about two dozen people in the place who have seniority on me. October 9th will make 24 years that I've worked at that plant. I'm one of the few remaining people there who remember when American Cyanamid owned it. That company doesn't exist anymore.

All the old heads grabbed their packages and ran when the new owners took over three years ago and offered them an out. I didn't qualify then, and I don't qualify now. I am too old to be vital and too young to be bought off. Ain't that a bitch?

I don't care if I was an old head when most of the employees working there now hired in. I STILL don't think I look 55 years old. I don't care if I HAVE been there for what seems like forever.

I don't look a day over 54.

December 14, 2011

the mountains

Originally published September 19, 2003

The hills are in my blood, so I enjoy going back to them every fall. I especially like Blood Mountain Cabins because it is plopped down right there on the side of the hill with a beautiful view of the mountains. I can walk about 100 yards down a path through the woods and be on the Applatchian Trail. I can walk less than a mile in the opposite direction and see three waterfalls. Or, I can sit on the porch and drink wine while I read a book and watch the chipmunks play among the rocks in the stream below me.

I am about 20 miles from civilization in all directions, but I can be in Cleveland, Helen, Blairsville or Dahlonega in thirty minutes, depending on which way I want to go. Hell, other than the Super Wal-Mart, I am MORE than twenty minutes from civilization where I live now.

The only thing I don't like about the cabins is the fact that Highway 128 makes a 180-degree semi-circle around the place on a VERY STEEP uphill grade for 18-wheel trucks in the right lane going up and a VERY STEEP downhill grade for 18-wheel trucks in the right lane going down. You can hear a lot of gear-jamming at night and early in the morning.

In some ways, that is music to my ears. I would rather hear silence, but if I've got to put up with noise, then the sound of big trucks grinding gears and cars screaming their tires on horseshoe curves on mountain roads are what I prefer to hear. I remember listening to the coal trains in the switchyard at night when I was a six year-old boy. That sound reminded me of thunder as it echoed through the mountains. I listened and nestled tighter under my quilts. It was a comforting sound. So are the sounds I hear at Blood Mountain Cabins.

I can't wait to go. I may catch the leaves just right this year.

December 07, 2011

well, duh!

Originally published September 19, 2003

After I threatened to shoot a troll who assumed my identity and ran around leaving shitty comments on various blogs, the bastard reported me to Alltel and my ISP dropped me like a hot rock on July 3rd.

What they DID NOT do was stop billing me for the internet service that THEY cut off. I quit paying the internet charges and paid only the phone bill. I received a nastygram a few days ago saying that I owed Alltel money for the internet account that THEY cancelled, that I've been billed for since it was cancelled and I better put up, or lose my phone service AND my good credit.

I called Alltel. I spoke to a very polite drone who told me that HE could not handle my problem because "security" had cancelled my account. I told him that nobody owed me any money. I paid the phone bill. I just wanted the internet charges dropped from my account because I didn't have internet services through his company anymore. Oh, by the way, YOU FUCKERS DID THAT!!! HOW DARE YOU continue to charge me for something YOU took away and then threaten me because I'm not paying for it?

He said that security only could handle my problem. So, I called Security. Nobody answered the phone.

I got an answering machine, eventually, and I left a message: "My name is Robert Smith. You shits cut off my internet service on July third. I keep getting charged for internet service that YOU cut off. I talked to some witless wonder in your main office who told me that only YOU, who cut my service could stop the bogus bills from appearing on my account. Of course YOU are too busy to answer the fucking phone, just as you were too busy to notify whomever you should have that I NO LONGER HAVE AN ACCOUNT WITH YOU since July third. If I did MY job the way you do YOURS, my boss would run ME the down the road tomorrow. Take the charges off my bill NOW, because I don't owe you any money. Thank you, fuck you, and don't send me another goddam bill."

I like cussing into answering machines. I would have much rather cussed an actual human being from "Security," but I'll settle for what I can get.

How ridiculous is this anyway? THEY cut me off, then get THEY all snooty when I don't pay them for something I don't have anymore.

Yeah. Go buy Alltel stock tomorrow. That place is manned by winos.