September 28, 2010

Sunday stumpers

Originally published September 29, 2002

1) Is there a big goal left unattained in your life? What is it?

I want to write a novel and see it become a best-seller.

2) Are you doing (career-wise) what you imagined you'd be doing 10, 15, 20 years ago?

I am doing the very last thing in the universe that I thought I would be doing 25 years ago. As of next month, I've been doing it for 23 years. Life is strange. Go figure.

3) When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?

I wanted to be a professional football player or an astronaut. Those careers never worked out, so I just never grew up.

4) Do you frequently adjust your dreams and goals as you go along?

No. I still want to be a professional football player or an astronaut. Whatta dumb question. OF COURSE I frequently adjust my dreams and goals, sometimes hourly anymore. I would tell you what my dreams and goals are, but they're liable to change before I could write them down.

5) What was your favorite TV show as a kid? Did that have any bearing on what you wanted to be when you grew up?

Howdy-Doody and Captain Kangaroo. Both shows influenced me greatly. I never wanted strings tied to me, but I wanted to grow up to carry a lot of keys. I have achieved both goals.

September 21, 2010

Troll

Originally published October 2, 2002

Ouch! Speaking of malignant troll-bitches, there is one in Louisana that jumped up and bit me square in the ass, and other places below my belt last night. I would link to her immature, infantile efforts at humor, but it would be a waste of valuable bandwidth. I sent a storm to blow her away, and I predict that her blog will not be available for a long, long time. That's what she gets for messing with Acidman.

I just hope she's not sitting in her Louisiana one-holer outhouse with a handful of pages from the 1998 Sears catalogue when the big wind hits. The Munchkins in Kansas won't appreciate the splashdown she makes when she finally lands. (I can see the dancing Munchkins now: "We represent the... PORT-O-LET Guild...") Of course, from what I've seen written on the bathroom wall at the Greyhound bus station, just below where she put her phone number, several people attest that her ASS is big enough to anchor ANYTHING through a storm. In fact, the Louisiana Department of Transportation requires her to wear a "WIDE LOAD" warning label on her rear end when she walks to the Welfare Office to pick up her check.

I'm really suprised that she found the time to put down the crack pipe, stop having illegitimate children sired by bikers named "Stinker" and write about me. And she hurt my feelings so badly.

BWHAHAHAHAHA!

September 14, 2010

Captain Kangaroo

Originally published October 2, 2002

Captain Kangaroo was one of my favorite people when I was a child. I spent many a morning listening to his jingling keys as he strolled around the Treasure House in his uniform, with Grandfather Clock, Mr. Moose, Mr. Greenjeans and his other companions, including Tom Terriffic and Mighty Manfred The Wonderdog. Crabby Appleton was always "rotten to the core" in the cartoons. I miss those days of innocence, and I was delighted when my mama sent me an interesting email. I knew that Lee Marvin was a decorated Marine in WWII. But I didn't know the REST OF THE STORY.

Captain Kangaroo turned 75 recently, which is odd, because he's never looked a day under 75 (Birthday 6/27/27). It reminded me of the following story.

Hope you enjoy it as much as I did. Some people have been a bit offended that Lee Marvin is buried in a grave alongside 3 and 4 star generals at Arlington National Cemetery. His marker gives his name, rank (PVT) and service(USMC). Nothing else. Here's a guy who was only a famous movie star who served his time; why the heck does he rate burial with these guys?

Well, following is the amazing answer: I always liked Lee Marvin, but did not know the extent of his Corps experiences. In a time when many Hollywood stars served their country in the armed forces, often in rear-echelon posts where they were carefully protected, only to be trotted out to perform for the cameras in war bond promotions, Lee Marvin was a genuine Hero. He won the Navy Cross at Iwo Jima. There is only one higher Naval award...the Medal Of Honor.

If that is a surprising comment on the true character of the man, he credits his sergeant with an even greater show of bravery. Dialog From The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson: His guest was Lee Marvin.

Johnny said, "Lee, I'll bet a lot of people are unaware that you were a Marine in the initial landing at Iwo Jima... and that during the
course of that action you earned the Navy Cross and were severely wounded." "Yeah, yeah... I got shot square in the ass and they gave me the Cross for securing a hot spot about halfway up Suribachi...bad thing about getting shot up on a mountain is guys gettin' shot hauling you down. But Johnny, at Iwo I served under the bravest man I ever knew... We both got the Cross the same day, but what he did for his Cross made mine look cheap in comparison. The dumb bastard actually stood up on Red beach and directed his troops to move forward and get the hell off the beach. That Sergeant and I have been lifelong friends. When they brought me off Suribachi we passed the Sergeant, and he lit a smoke and passed it to me lying on my belly on the litter and said, 'Where'd they get you, Lee?'

Well, Bob... if you make it home before me, tell Mom to sell the outhouse! Johnny, I'm not lying...Sergeant Keeshan was the bravest man I ever knew..... Bob Keeshan...

You and the world know him as Captain Kangaroo."

And on the show, he couldn't outfox Bunny Rabbit. Go figure...

UPDATE: I was curious, so I Googled and found THIS. The story is a good one, but it ain't true!

September 07, 2010

Lawyers

Originally published October 3, 2002

What do you do when a vast majority of people surveyed view your profession with the same respect and admiration they hold for Nigerian email spammers and crack-whores? Do you take a good, long look at what you're doing and wonder if just MAYBE you should clean up your act a bit?

No, not if you're a LAWYER. Instead, you launch a giant PR campaign designed to con people into believing something other than the truth, which is why lawyers are so despised in the first place. Good idea!

Why do we have jokes such as this one?

A man walks into a bar and greets a gorgeous single woman. She looks him in the eye and says, "I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, anyplace."

His hilarious reply: "What law firm are you with?"

Although it is politically incorrect to say it, I submit that stereotypes exist because they sometimes are accurate. If there weren't enough true examples around, nobody could create a "stereotype" to begin with. The stereotype might not be true ALL the time, but it's true often enough to give it solid purchase in people's perceptions.

If you're a really sensitive, liberal, multiculturalist hockwad idiot angel of understanding, I suggest that you log off this blog and go elsewhere RIGHT NOW, before you read any further, because I am about to offend your delicate self. You have been properly warned!

Let's all get together and START some stereotypes. After all, stereotypes have nothing to do with the way people actually behave; they are the product of biased, bigoted minds, so we should be able to create any stereotypes we want, right out of whole cloth, just by saying it often enough, and whatever we say should ring true in biased, bigoted minds. Let's try these:

Jews are lazy, they breed like rabbits, and they're happy living on welfare. The worthless bastards.

Blacks are really good businessmen. They control the whole American economy, behind the scenes. The devious shits.

Southerners are rude, obnoxious and always in a hurry. They lack manners. Pompous asses.

Irishmen don't drink and they don't believe in fighting. They're the force behind the new temperance movement in this country. They would enter law enforcement to vanquish Demon Rum, but any sort of violence is against their nature. Party-pooping pricks.

One thing you've got to admit about the Italians. THEY would never be involved in organized crime. The goddam MORMONS run the rackets, the gambling, the prostitutes and the drugs in this country. The Italians try to stop them, but the goddam Mormons already have a network of families in control. That's why you see dead Mormons on the street after a gang war and Italians going on missionary trips to South America every year. Murdering Mormons.

Asians have rhythmn. They can sing and dance like nobody else, run like a deer and play basketball REALLY well. They don't do well in school (they call that "acting white") but when they become rich entertainers or NBA stars, they all want a WHITE WOMAN. Lecherous animals.

Polish scientists dominate the Nobel Prizes. Smart-asses.

And now, the BIG ONE:

Lawyers are selfless defenders of the weak and the downtrodden. Like the Red Cross, the Salvation Army, the March of Dimes and Mother Teresa, LAWYERS are there to help when no one else will. They don't mind the low wages and the long hours that go with the job. The good they do in the world is reward enough for them. What saints they are!

The problem with lawyers being perceived as scum-sucking, bottom-feeding, money-grubbing shitwads is that TOO MANY OF THEM FIT THE STEREOTYPE! Gawd-damn! Just open your fucking phone book. NO! DON'T OPEN IT! Just look on the back. I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts that there's a full-cover advertisment for a LAWYER there. And I'll guarantee he specializes in "personal injury, medical malpractice, worker's compensation, nursing home abuse, auto accidents, DUI and bankruptcy." With "Free Consultation." That's what's on the back of MY phone book. YOURS may include "asbestos litigation fortunes, phen-phen class action booty, toxic tort windfalls, cancer-causing cell phone money-mines, lead paint riches, tobacco loot, and product liability sweepstakes."

And lawyers wonder why they are perceived as money-grubbing sluts?

If we did away with class action lawsuits and adopted a "loser pays" system, we would have a lot of starving lawyers sleeping under bridges and panhandling on the streets instead of driving legitimate businesses bankrupt, inflating the cost of insurance for EVERYONE, and throwing millions of people out of jobs every year, while the lawyers get rich. They then give fortunes to the Democrat Party, which is rapidly becoming a wholly-owned subisidary of the Trial Lawyers Association, to ensure that we DON'T change ANYTHING.

I don't believe that the PR campaign will work, but buying politicians and suing in Jackson County, Mississippi does. Lawyers should forget about polishing their image and stick with what they're good at.

Sucking scum and getting rich.