August 27, 2008

Must be blood on the moon

Originally published March 4, 2005

I just thought of ten people that I would like to strangle with my bare hands. Don't ask me WHY I thought such a thing. I don't know. But I did. I'm too old and decrepit to actually strangle anybody anymore, but here's my list anyway. (not in any particular order)

* Barry Manilow, and if you have to ask why, I want to strangle you, too.

* Jimmy Carter, and if you have to ask why, you must have voted for John Kerry.

* Al Sharpton. Just because, that's why.

* Dan Rather. Never mind. Somebody beat me to that one. He choked on some paper, didn't he?

* Hillary Clinton. I believe that she's the Antichrist, but I'd be afraid to try to choke her. She might nut-kick me, head-butt me and them rip my still-beating heart out of my chest and EAT IT in front of me.

* Bill Clinton. I could probably handle him if he didn't sic his wife on me.

* Richard Simmons, just because he deserves it.

* Carrot Top. I can't help it. I HATE that guy.

*The Jogger Dude. I've mentioned him in earlier posts, that running bastard from somewhere down the street. He does about 20 laps around the neighborhood every day. He resembles John Clease without a moustache and I am certain that he expects to live forever. That's why I want to strangle him.

*Molly Ivans. I'm not sure that I have the hand-span to make it around her wattled neck, but I would like to try. Bloviating, bovine, babbling bitch.

If I were 30 years younger, if I hadn't smoked all those cigarettes, if I hadn't gotten drunk so much, if I had watched my diet better and if I could jog 20 laps around the neighborhood every day, some of those people might be in trouble. But they are safe, for now.

I'm worried that Carrot Top might whip my ass, and I'd NEVER live that down.