Gut Rumbles

July 09, 2008

watermelon rant

Originally PUBLISHED July 19, 2005

One of the foods on my list of things I can eat as much of as I want anymore is watermelon. I've LOVED watermelon all my life, so I thought eating all I wanted was a good thing.

The first time I went to the grocery store, Kroger's had a bin full of "seedless" melons. I know you've seen them before. They don't even LOOK like a proper watermelon. They are round, slightly smaller than a basketball, and they may as well be packed with wet newspaper as watermelon meat.

They don't taste like ANYTHING. And they aren't "seedless," either. They are chock full of little white seeds that never grew up. They remind me of what you see when you slice an over-ripe cucumber. Some got-dam yankee must have created those things. They are an abomination.

I bought two REAL watermelons yesterday. I mean the elongated, Georgia-grown, field-ripened, seed-filled specimens I grew up eating. The guy selling them off the back of his truck wanted $3.00 apiece for them, and I asked for a taste before I bought one. He cut me a nice wedge and I ate it right there on the side of the road.

Juice ran down my forearms and the melon was delicious. I offered him $4.00 for TWO of them and we agreed on a deal. He helped me load my purchase in my car.

I cut one of 'em today, and it's as good as any melon I ever tasted. It's ripe to PERFECTION, so that when you start to slice it, the melon almost rips itself in half with a sound like somebody ripping up linoleum from an old kitchen floor. (And I cut it LENGTHWISE, too!) BEJUS! That's what a watermelon is supposed to be.

It's seedy, but it's also sweet, juicy and GOOD. I've decided something now. Keep your "seedless" watermelon, you damn yankee wimp.

Give me the real thing any day.

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