Gut Rumbles

July 19, 2005

watermelon rant

One of the foods on my list of things I can eat as much of as I want anymore is watermelon. I've LOVED watermelon all my life, so I thought eating all I wanted was a good thing.

The first time I went to the grocery store, Kroger's had a bin full of "seedless" melons. I know you've seen them before. They don't even LOOK like a proper watermelon. They are round, slightly smaller than a basketball, and they may as well be packed with wet newspaper as watermelon meat.

They don't taste like ANYTHING. And they aren't "seedless," either. They are chock full of little white seeds that never grew up. They remind me of what you see when you slice an over-ripe cucumber. Some got-dam yankee must have created those things. They are an abomination.

I bought two REAL watermelons yesterday. I mean the elongated, Georgia-grown, field-ripened, seed-filled specimens I grew up eating. The guy selling them off the back of his truck wanted $3.00 apiece for them, and I asked for a taste before I bought one. He cut me a nice wedge and I ate it right there on the side of the road.

Juice ran down my forearms and the melon was delicious. I offered him $4.00 for TWO of them and we agreed on a deal. He helped me load my purchase in my car.

I cut one of 'em today, and it's as good as any melon I ever tasted. It's ripe to PERFECTION, so that when you start to slice it, the melon almost rips itself in half with a sound like somebody ripping up linoleum from an old kitchen floor. (And I cut it LENGTHWISE, too!) BEJUS! That's what a watermelon is supposed to be.

It's seedy, but it's also sweet, juicy and GOOD. I've decided something now. Keep your "seedless" watermelon, you damn yankee wimp.

Give me the real thing any day.



Seedless watermelon were developed by the JAPS and now it seems (according to this website) that the seedless variety is the most popular in Georgia! hah! Even I wont touch a seedless melon here in New England. Whats wrong with you people?

Posted by: Ruth on July 19, 2005 05:57 PM always make me hungry.....

Posted by: blondage on July 19, 2005 06:22 PM

Damn, Just Damn, Now my mouth is watering...where did we put that melon

Posted by: Sarge on July 19, 2005 07:20 PM

yeah Rob you cant blame that shit on the yankees

Posted by: ccracs on July 19, 2005 07:22 PM

Stop torturing me! We can't get anything like that here in Illinois.

Posted by: Nancy B. on July 19, 2005 07:22 PM

Seedless melons suck. End of fucking story.

Posted by: Graumagus on July 19, 2005 08:20 PM

they don't grow the best melons anymore
the charleston grey, (jubilee-diamond back-
rattlesnake same melon) the black stone
and the congo. i established a wholesale
produce company and operated it for 19 years and 8 months and sold the company.
i haven't seen a charleston grey in over 10
years and i live in south carolina a heirloom
melon that will never be replaced

Posted by: john on July 19, 2005 09:33 PM

Where I live they wouldn't let you have them for less than $10.00! You are one lucky southern gentleman. AND YOU JUST MADE ME WANT TO GO FETCH A FEW JUICY WATERMELONS MYSELF... Thanks a lot.

Posted by: Andy on July 19, 2005 10:20 PM

We get some damn good home-growns here in Maryland (at least in years when there's not a drought on) at the roadside "farmer's stands". They didn't grow them I'm sure, but somebody local did. Dunno how they compare to Georgia melons, but they're a damn sight better than those seedless wax dummies they sell in the grocery. The Japs can keep them. I'd rather eat decent melons and the occasional seed I forget to spit out than those things. So far, unlike the warnings by Mom, Aunts, and Grandmothers, the seeds I swallowed haven't sprouted in my gut. =)

Posted by: Horrabin on July 19, 2005 10:26 PM

Back when I was a kid, my neighbor was a truck farmer. I worked for him several summers, mostly picking green beans. But the one day he needed help picking watermelons, I won't forget.

He and I worked the field, and our picking consisted of "checking" every tenth watermelon or so for ripeness. This involved busting it open and scooping out the very ripest, sweetest, juciest part of the center of each melon and gnarfing it down right there in the field. That day the "pay" was better than the pay, if you know what I mean.

Posted by: Desert Cat on July 20, 2005 01:42 AM


The old cry yelled in hungary off the back of horsedrawn carriages.

Posted by: Yogimus on July 20, 2005 03:11 AM

Truck farmer? I didn't know trucks grew on farms.


Posted by: Yogimus on July 20, 2005 03:12 AM

Jeez Acidman, not everything EVIL came from the North (New Englanders are Yankees, we hate 'em too!). Some of the best watermelon and muskmelon (cantalope to Yankees) comes from Indiana and Kentucky.

Posted by: hoosierboy on July 20, 2005 10:24 AM

Bon-soir! I split a fresh field-rippened melon just last night with my roommate and we sat there and ate the whole damned thing, it was so good! It made that ripping sound too. That's how you know it gonna be good.

Posted by: Faye on July 20, 2005 11:12 AM

When it comes to watermelon, make mine a Cleckley Sweet.

Posted by: Brett on July 20, 2005 02:02 PM

I tend to disagree. I've bought a couple of seedless ones from Costco this year and they were very good. ... OK, not *great* but very good.

Posted by: BlogDog on July 20, 2005 02:28 PM

Seedless watermelon's make great reactive targets - just don't try hitting them with a centerfire rifle shot cause they tend to blow up upon impact.

Very impressive - and yes, they taste like shit. Im surprised they aren't brown on the inside.

Posted by: countertop on July 20, 2005 05:41 PM

I've been asking all the grocery stores to carry seeded watermelons. The seedless ones just suck, your lucky to get one tasty bite. I hate mini melons.

Posted by: Mahhn on August 17, 2009 01:33 AM
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