Gut Rumbles

April 15, 2008


Originally published May 27, 2003

I don't know for sure whether that is a real word or not. If it isn't, it ought to be. I happened to mention on my trip to the mountains that my outlook on most rules was "fungible." I believe we were talking about my lack of a valid Georgia fishing license at the time.

Don asked me what I meant by that, because he was unfamiliar with the word, so I launched into a grand, beer-soaked epistle about Situation Ethics. I have one set of rules that I faithfully follow when I am dealing with people who faithfully follow the same set of rules.

I have an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT set of rules that I play by when dealing with a complete shitass. The only way I can hold my ground with a shitass is to be one myself, and the only way I can BEAT a shitass is to be willing to be a bigger shitass than he is. Hey! I didn't make those rules. The shitass did. If he didn't come out of the blocks being a shitass, I wouldn't have to be one, either.

I see absolute fungibility in most laws passed by our asshat, do-good government.

Take speed limits, for example. I don't care what is posted on a sign. I am going to drive as fast as I think I can get away with. Speed doesn't kill. That blue-haired lady doing 45 MPH in the left lane of the Interstate while everybody else is doing 85 MPH KILLS PEOPLE. I don't, doing 90 when everybody else is doing 85.

Now let's look at the infamous Assault Weapons Ban. I have seldom seen a more dumbass law passed by more dumbassed people. Do you think I'm going to abide by that piece of crap? I see that one as extremely fungible, especially when the people who support it lie about its usefulness and in the same breath admit that it accomplished nothing.

That law is a stepping stone to gun confiscation, and if George Bush renews that Thalidamyde baby, I will sit out the next election. And I will keep my guns, too.

I don't dabble in illegal drugs anymore and haven't for years, but I did in the 1970s and I saw those laws against it as extremely fungible. If I wanted to suck on a doobie in the privacy of my own home and play my guitar in a state of complete stonedness, who the hell was I hurting? MYSELF? I never saw the government as having the duty to protect me from myself.

Too many people BELIEVE THAT SHIT today. Those who blindly accept that piece of absurdity NEVER run out of good ideas for other ways that the government can protect you even more, and your personal freedom dwindles every time they succeed.

Sweet Bejus. I am 51 years old. I had a mama and daddy who raised me. I have two children of my own now. I don't need the fucking government to take care of me. I can do that all by myself.

And any law that says I can't will ALWAYS be "fungible" in my eyes.

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