Gut Rumbles

April 10, 2008

Here was the problem

Originally published August 7, 2003

Last night, I played with all my new hardware while blogging nekkid in an air conditioned room. I was comfortable, but my testicles were not.

Testicles don't pay any attention to vascetomies or radical prostatectomies. They just want to maintain their ideal temperature for their reproductive function whether you can reproduce anymore or not. They were doing their job.

They got cold, and as a result, they decided to draw in closer to the warmth of my body so that they could maintain their ideal reproductive temperature. God taught them to do that. They don't listen to me when I tell them that they don't have to do that sort of thing anymore. They listen to God, who belongs on my Top 10 Comedians list.

Anyway, when my testicles want to get warm, they convince Mr. Scrotum to draw up to take them where they want to be, which is really tight against my body heat. Mr. Scrotum obliges by shrinking himself to amazingly tight porportions.

When I started tampering with the hardware yesterday, I just came in from work. I sweated my ass off all day and the rain did little to cool me down. My testicles were too HOT then, so they wanted to dangle low. Mr. Scrotum provided a big, loose pouch for the two nuts to ride in. I found access to the hardware very easy then.

But as I blogged and pumped, my testcles got cold and connived to hide themselves in a very snug package. When I was ready for bed, I couldn't root around in there and find what I was looking for anymore. There wasn't enough room. I was in a quandry.

I laid in bed and thought about just sleeping with a woody all night long. If I did, I would wake up with a woody in the morning, and MAN, it's been a long time since I did that. But this was a true woody and unless I was willing to sleep on my back all night long, that plan was NOT going to work.

I got up and took a hot shower. That worked like a charm. Pancho and Lefty got hot, asked for some room to dangle, and I was able to seize the moment. I found the "off" buttons and deflated myself. I felt better after that. I knew that if I wanted Morning Wood, I could make some when I woke up. I went to bed and slept blissfully for a change.

I'm still learning the rules of the road with this new gizmo I have, and I believe it's going to take some time before I become a Master Swordsman again. But you've gotta eat that elephant one bite at a time. I took a big bite last night.

I took tonight off. I kinda scared myself yesterday.

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