Gut Rumbles

March 29, 2008


Originally published August 1, 2003

*Did you ever have "quickie?" You know, quick sex just crammed into a spare moment. Wasn't it fun?

*I once got a blow-job while driving 75 miles per hour on Interstate 16 at 10:00 in the morning. I came like a sperm whale. I also realized RIGHT THEN that a man cannot perform oral sex on a woman while she drives a car. Her equipment ain't built for it.

*If you buy bottled water, you should be dragged off and shot. That's the most pretentious, yuppified, pussified bullshit I ever heard of. I blame environmentalists for that mass-insanity. I still drink water from my garden hose. I ain't dead yet, either.

*I like dogs better than I like cats. But I had two dogs who liked to eat cat turds. They would find cat turds in the yard, dig them up and eat them. Then, they wanted to lick my face. They never understood why I beat the shit out of them when they did that.

*Wait a minute. I have NEVER had "the shit beat out of me," nor have I ever had "the shit scared out of me." I shit my pants once on the golf course for no other reason than scrambled eggs from a Shoney's breakfast bar. It just happened. No beating or fright was involved.

*If you eat a lot of seafood for four days in a row, you can take a crap and it sounds (and FEELS) like a covey of quail is flying out of your ass. It's amazing. Little boys do the same thing. It feels weird to YOU, but THEY think it's funny.

*I had a dog who didn't recognize his own farts. They always took him by surprise. He had a tail like a backward "?" so that I could always see his asshole. It would open and close with a ripping sound, and the dog would turn around ready to fight whatever made that noise behind him. He didn't know that HE DID IT. But if I said, "Bejus! You paint-peeling stinker! Get out of here," he always acted guilty. Dogs always act guilty. Cats NEVER do.

*One of the greatest pleasures in my life was to buy three watermelons off a local farmer for $5.00 total and eat nothing but the hearts out of all three and throw all that seedy shit away. Damn, that was good. Wasteful, but what the hell. I didn't want to pick through all of those seeds.

*I've had a woman scream "NO!" in the middle of nekkid, sweaty sex as she grabbed my ass with both hands and rode through her third or fourth orgasm; therefore, I naturally am suspicious of rape accusations. Especially from some asswit 19 year-old who probably drinks bottled water.

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