Gut Rumbles

August 01, 2003


*Did you ever have "quickie?" You know, quick sex just crammed into a spare moment. Wasn't it fun?

*I once got a blow-job while driving 75 miles per hour on Interstate 16 at 10:00 in the morning. I came like a sperm whale. I also realized RIGHT THEN that a man cannot perform oral sex on a woman while she drives a car. Her equipment ain't built for it.

*If you buy bottled water, you should be dragged off and shot. That's the most pretentious, yuppified, pussified bullshit I ever heard of. I blame environmentalists for that mass-insanity. I still drink water from my garden hose. I ain't dead yet, either.

*I like dogs better than I like cats. But I had two dogs who liked to eat cat turds. They would find cat turds in the yard, dig them up and eat them. Then, they wanted to lick my face. They never understood why I beat the shit out of them when they did that.

*Wait a minute. I have NEVER had "the shit beat out of me," nor have I ever had "the shit scared out of me." I shit my pants once on the golf course for no other reason than scrambled eggs from a Shoney's breakfast bar. It just happened. No beating or fright was involved.

*If you eat a lot of seafood for four days in a row, you can take a crap and it sounds (and FEELS) like a covey of quail is flying out of your ass. It's amazing. Little boys do the same thing. It feels weird to YOU, but THEY think it's funny.

*I had a dog who didn't recognize his own farts. They always took him by surprise. He had a tail like a backward "?" so that I could always see his asshole. It would open and close with a ripping sound, and the dog would turn around ready to fight whatever made that noise behind him. He didn't know that HE DID IT. But if I said, "Bejus! You paint-peeling stinker! Get out of here," he always acted guilty. Dogs always act guilty. Cats NEVER do.

*One of the greatest pleasures in my life was to buy three watermelons off a local farmer for $5.00 total and eat nothing but the hearts out of all three and throw all that seedy shit away. Damn, that was good. Wasteful, but what the hell. I didn't want to pick through all of those seeds.

*I've had a woman scream "NO!" in the middle of nekkid, sweaty sex as she grabbed my ass with both hands and rode through her third or fourth orgasm; therefore, I naturally am suspicious of rape accusations. Especially from some asswit 19 year-old who probably drinks bottled water.


Fuck you.

I drink bottled water because I don't trust the stuff that comes out of a tap in this city (London). We don't get pure water that was last pissed out of a cloud. We get water from a reservoir that's likely been through the human body seven times already and contains enough oestrogen to give you breasts.

I don't drink soft drinks, so I drink Volvic by the 1.5 litre bottle instead.

I'll use tapwater to make tea and coffee, and cook, though.

Posted by: Jack on August 1, 2003 12:02 PM

Throw some goddam vodka in your water, you pussy. That'll kill whatever scares your yuppie ass and it makes you feel good, too.

Posted by: Acidman on August 1, 2003 12:42 PM

Quickies: are wonderful anytime of day, but especially in the mornings, what a wonderful way to start the day.

Intransit Blowjobs: it does help (alot) to put your car in cruise-control, so that 75mph doesn't jump up to 90+mph.

Dogs: my dog goes absolutely nuts when he hears the "ditec" commercial on the boob-tube.

Posted by: Laura on August 1, 2003 12:44 PM

I drink bottled water because our tap water smells like sulfur no matter how much vodka you add.

Several quickies but the one that is most memorable was at work. Bent over the desk, very nervous that my hand would slip and hit the intercom button on the phone, alerting the entire office staff to the wonders of orgasm!

Posted by: Langus on August 1, 2003 02:02 PM

Bottled water: Only if I really need a drink and its the only thing available.

Quickies: Backstage once about 20 minutes before a show. Dancers rock.

Oh, and speaking of the evils of tap water, here's a little tip for anyone who travels. Whenever you reach your destination/hotel/whatever, have yourself a nice big glass of tap water, and you're fairly well guaranteed to never become sick. Namely, as that same water is in everything you're going to be eating over the next few days.

Posted by: Mr. Lion on August 1, 2003 04:01 PM

Yeah, I drink bottled water rather than the alkali-poisoned crap that flows out of the tap in Phoenix. I know too many people who've gotten kidney stones from it. When I'm in a place with good tap water, like Flagstaff, that's what I drink. It has flavor, unlike the bottled stuff.

I've had the same experience you had of a woman moaning "No! No!" during orgasm.

I presume you are referring to the Illinois rape statute that says a woman who says "no" just at the point of inevitability has been raped.

There are a lot of bitter, pissed off women at the point of divorce out there who could use this law. Screw the soon-to-be-ex, then go to the ER crying rape. Yep, there's semen in there. Yep, it's his.

Nice club to bring to the table. You give her all the property, exclusive custody of the kids with no visitation and a fat check for the rest of her life and she'll drop the rape charge. Sweet.

Posted by: Phil on August 1, 2003 08:46 PM

A blow job on the freeway? Didn't they tell you coming and going don't mix?

Posted by: Ralph Gizzip on August 1, 2003 09:11 PM

Had a Dobie that acted the same way when she farted. Of cours the farts smelled bad enough that the humans rushed out of the room and we made the dog stay in there!

In my experience, all dogs eat cat turds. I think it is one of their commandments.

Posted by: bogie on August 2, 2003 08:08 AM

That rape trick wouldn't work on everybody, if a guy has been snipped, there's no semen. Nice idea thou the blow job on the freeway sounds more fun and possibly more dangerous, the distraction factor.

And the Phoenix tap water tastes like crap, the kidney stones feel like crap too. I'll be a wuss and stick with bottled.

Posted by: mog on August 2, 2003 10:48 AM

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