Gut Rumbles

February 05, 2008

The dead shall rise again

Originally published June 24, 2003

I had a 4:15 appointment with my urologist today. I got there at 4:10. I read damn near every outdated magazine in the waiting room before I finally saw him at 5:45.

It was worth the wait. When I told him that I had no problems with the surgery except for the BIG ONE (or LACK of a big one anymore), he started talking about different fix-a-flat elixers and even some disgusting suction-pump-with-rubber-band devices as a cure for my problem. I cut right to the chase.

"Doc, excuse my French, but I want a fucking pump. I've read all about them, seen one in action and corresponded with people who have them. I've also corresponded with WIMMEN who know all about the pump. They say guys who DON'T need one should get one anyway. It's more reliable and enduring than what Mother Nature gives most men. I NEED one. I want that, and I want it NOW! Or at least as soon as I can get one."

I was stunned. The doctor visibly brightened and said, "I never like to suggest that course of action right off the bat, because it involves surgery, but in your case, it probably is the best way to go. You want the three-piece device, don't you?"

"If that's the two-pronged bionic tool with reservoir and internal pump, you got the right one in mind. Nothing but the best for Roscoe."

"That's the one I was going to recommend. It really is a very effective prosthesis. Very neat device."

It appears that my insurance will cover the surgery. I asked for a fast-track path to make it happen, and I'll have an appointment made tomorrow (the nurse who handles that detail stuff was gone home by the time the doc saw me) and I should be sporting a brand-new bionic dick within the next two weeks.

It's in-and-out day surgery with a few unpleasant days of recovery, then you're good to go full-tilt boogie in a few weeks. I can handle the surgery and the unpleasant days of recovery. I handled having my guts ripped out and 20 months with a dead dick. This part looks like a piece of cake.

I am overjoyed with the way things went today. If I hadn't fucked up that first appointment two months ago, I already would be back in the saddle again.

Maybe nobody else cares about this, but I DO. Well, I ALSO know a couple of wimmen who want to see the results...

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