Gut Rumbles

June 24, 2003

the dead shall rise again

I had a 4:15 appointment with my urologist today. I got there at 4:10. I read damn near every outdated magazine in the waiting room before I finally saw him at 5:45.

It was worth the wait. When I told him that I had no problems with the surgery except for the BIG ONE (or LACK of a big one anymore), he started talking about different fix-a-flat elixers and even some disgusting suction-pump-with-rubber-band devices as a cure for my problem. I cut right to the chase.

"Doc, excuse my French, but I want a fucking pump. I've read all about them, seen one in action and corresponded with people who have them. I've also corresponded with WIMMEN who know all about the pump. They say guys who DON'T need one should get one anyway. It's more reliable and enduring than what Mother Nature gives most men. I NEED one. I want that, and I want it NOW! Or at least as soon as I can get one."

I was stunned. The doctor visibly brightened and said, "I never like to suggest that course of action right off the bat, because it involves surgery, but in your case, it probably is the best way to go. You want the three-piece device, don't you?"

"If that's the two-pronged bionic tool with reservoir and internal pump, you got the right one in mind. Nothing but the best for Roscoe."

"That's the one I was going to recommend. It really is a very effective prosthesis. Very neat device."

It appears that my insurance will cover the surgery. I asked for a fast-track path to make it happen, and I'll have an appointment made tomorrow (the nurse who handles that detail stuff was gone home by the time the doc saw me) and I should be sporting a brand-new bionic dick within the next two weeks.

It's in-and-out day surgery with a few unpleasant days of recovery, then you're good to go full-tilt boogie in a few weeks. I can handle the surgery and the unpleasant days of recovery. I handled having my guts ripped out and 20 months with a dead dick. This part looks like a piece of cake.

I am overjoyed with the way things went today. If I hadn't fucked up that first appointment two months ago, I already would be back in the saddle again.

Maybe nobody else cares about this, but I DO. Well, I ALSO know a couple of wimmen who want to see the results...


Butthead "Whoa Beavis didja see that? He's got a pump for his schlong!!"

Beavis "BOOIIIINGG!!!"

Posted by: toddk73 on June 24, 2003 06:35 PM

Good luck, A-Man; we'll all be standing by for the first trial run reports!!

Posted by: MommaBear on June 24, 2003 06:36 PM

Will It come equipped with a microchip or is that macrochip?

Posted by: Dax Montana on June 24, 2003 06:43 PM

oh crap. Watch out ladies of Wisenbaker's. Acidman on the prowl...and yes, he's happy to see you.

Posted by: Marcl on June 24, 2003 06:44 PM

Few people get to re-live their 20's. ;)

Have fun.

Posted by: Mr. Lion on June 24, 2003 06:45 PM

Good Luck with the surgury and your new toy!

Posted by: Sassy on June 24, 2003 07:07 PM

I can't wait to count the notches!

Posted by: Susan on June 24, 2003 07:27 PM

Now I KNOW insurance companies have their heads up their collective butts. When I think of the necessary things that they WILL NOT pay for....

In any event, good luck with the surgery. Be sure you bank your own blood if possible ahead of time (if you can sked. the surgery far enough in advance to do so). Much safer that way.

I guess the "wimmin" in your county won't be getting any sleep after you get back home from the hospital! ;-)

Posted by: joni on June 24, 2003 07:30 PM

Not if I can help it , Joni.

But my insurance WOULD NOT pay except for the fact that my condition is a direct result of prostate cancer treatment. If my dick went dead by itself, I would be shit out of luck until I was 65, at which time MEDICARE would pay for it with no questions asked.

Goddam. The GOVERNMENT will give a 65 year-old man a bionic dick. What does HE need it for?

I expect my implant to outlast ME and it's got a lifetime of 10 to 12 years.

Posted by: Acidman on June 24, 2003 08:06 PM

Is it diesel-powered... or does it
have a chainsaw engine?

Phutt...phuttt. Bwaaaa, Rmmm!!!!

Posted by: Brad on June 24, 2003 09:04 PM

Just think. With all these people getting breast implants and bionic dicks we'll be a nation of 90 year olds with perky tits and hard-ons and no idea what to do with them.

Posted by: Ralph Gizzip on June 24, 2003 09:32 PM

Awww, Jeez, Ralph. What a mind-movie you started in my head....thanks, Dude. I've always thought it is gonna be weird enough with nursing homes full of old people with the stupid, cutesy-poo names parents give their kids these days...let alone THAT. LOL

Posted by: stevie on June 24, 2003 10:02 PM

Do they have a "Vibration" option? : )

Posted by: toddk73 on June 24, 2003 11:06 PM

Good for you!

Glad the doctor pulled his head out of his ass finally.

Posted by: Da Goddess on June 25, 2003 01:03 AM

So glad you will finally get this taken care of. Good for you for taking charge of the appointment.

Posted by: Angie on June 25, 2003 07:05 AM

Two frickin' weeks!!??


Posted by: McGehee on June 25, 2003 07:50 AM

Can't wait to hear the gory details (about the first and successful use!!)

Posted by: Dawn on June 25, 2003 10:46 AM

You are right Dawn. That post should probably go into the bloggers Hall of Fame.

Posted by: starhawk on June 25, 2003 02:35 PM

Hey, aren't you about 50? You'll probably have to have a couple replacements then, paid for by Medicare. Here in AZ, the biggest den of iniquity and wanton sex is Sun City, the old geezers. They really put their bionic dicks to good use.

Posted by: mog on June 25, 2003 05:55 PM
Post a comment