Gut Rumbles

January 19, 2008


Originally published June 9, 2003

My parents believed in corporal punishment. I got my ass whipped a lot as I was growing up. The Weapons Of Ass Destruction used on me were (not necessarily in order of frequency or effectiveness):

1) Bare hands. My parents tended to spank with the right hand, but my mama was ambidexterous. She could spank with both hands at the same time if she had two sons that needed it at once.

2) A Belt. Yep. That was Dad's baliwick and you knew you had fucked up bad when the belt came off and was applied to your butt-cheeks. Getting the belt was the a death sentence around my house. That was reserved for crimes so terrible that Mama just looked at you with tears in her eyes and said, "We'll discuss this when your father gets home." But dad was a man, so he used the belt he was wearing at the time. You sorta knew what to expect. That's the way men do things.

3) The Switch. Oh, Bejus, THAT was the worst, especially if you had to go out and select the switch yourself. You better pick a good one, or Mom will choose a two-by-four to use on you, but you don't want to choose TOO WELL, because that thing is going to rain carnage on your ass. The switch was the female-applied Death Sentence. It's perverse, too, because they made you select the bullet they were going to kill you with. That's just plain FEMALE!

4) The Bolo-Paddle from hell. Remember Bolo-Paddles? Remember that stupid toy that had a rubber ball on a rubber string? The one where you slapped the ball around for about 10 minutes before the rubber string broke and you lost the little rubber ball? And Mama kept the paddle part and whipped your ass with it? Maybe YOU don't, but I DO!

I have spanked my son twice in his entire life. I used my bare hands both times and he deserved what he got. (I had to show him who was Tall Dog.) I think back on all the spankings I got and wonder... is he that much BETTER BEHAVED than I was as a child, or am I a slack disciplinarian?

He's a good kid, but NO BOY is that good. I think I'll spank him next weekend whether he needs it or not. Then, I'll tell him, "See? That's what you get if you screw up. I just wanted to remind you not to do that."

Parenting is confusing work.

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