Gut Rumbles

July 21, 2005

ice and desire

Wimmen are like a Rubik's Cube, or one of those logic puzzles I'm so good at solving, but the truth is... I STILL haven't figured wimmen out. That may be one puzzle I'm simply not meant to solve.

With my Southern upbringing, I was taught to put wimmen on a pedestal and worship them like goddesses. They were SPECIAL and PURE and something to be fought for and won, like a prize in a jousting contest. Yes, the idea of being a Knight in Shining Armor still lives in the South today.

I believed that shit until I came to know wimmen a little better. I'm going to give some of you guys a little advice about how wimmen REALLY are.

1) They are the most devious creatures in the world. GOT-DAM!!! They plan, scheme and manipulate all the time. That's their nature. They don't think in straight lines. But they see angles better than any man ever did.

2) Pussy is NOT a precious commodity, and if you, as a man, ever TREAT it that way, you are doomed. A woman's total goal in life is to use pussy-power to get her way. Once she has you convinced that giving you a lick at it makes you OBLIGATED to her, you're stuck like a bug in a spider's web.

3) Yeah, yeah. All men think with their dicks. I'm not going to argue that point, because it's true. But if you don't believe that wimmen think with their pussies, you're outta your mind.

4) If you think wimmen don't get together and talk about dicks and how good you are in bed, you're outta your mind again. They are just as horny as any man I've ever known, and they COMPARE NOTES when they get laid. I got laid a LOT by doing a good job on a woman who told her friends about it.

5) Don't take anything a woman does as personal. She'll cut ANYBODY's throat as fast as she cut yours. That's just the way most of 'em are built.

6) They are ALL crazy--- it's just a matter of degree. No man can ever win an argument by pointing out crazy behavior on the woman's part, because SHE doesn't think it's crazy. She just gets pissed off at YOU and gets crazier to prove her point, whatever the hell that was. Oh, yeah. That was to prove that she ISN'T crazy-- YOU are.

7) No woman I've ever know is happy with the way she looks. That insecurity breeds a very sensitive bunch of tentacles that spread out and detect insults, even when none are there. Don't EVER tell one that her ass looks fat in that dress. And you WILL be asked.

8) Forget teaching Ebonics in school. If some educator could set up a legitimate course in "Wimmentalk," I'd sign up and take it tomorrow. Wimmen speak in code. They expect a man to UNDERSTAND IT, too, even though they never bother to translate.

9) If pussy were so fricking precious, it wouldn't be available on the open market. You can buy it just like fresh watermelons off the back of a farmer's truck. And if you negotiate a good deal, you can buy it almost as cheaply. It ain't gold-plated, guys--- never forget that fact. And don't let a woman ever convince you otherwise, either.

10) DON'T EVER GET MARRIED!!!! I once worked with a guy who said, right before I married my first wife, "If you find the right one, there's nothing like it. Of course if you marry the WRONG one, there's nothing like THAT, either." He was correct, and in my dotage now, I say the risk isn't worth the cost.

Now. THAT post should piss some people off.


Are you bored?!!

Gotta disagree with #4, any woman with pride and self-respect does NOT do that. It's tacky and juvenile.

Posted by: Alaska Kim on July 21, 2005 11:58 AM

Hmmm... All women? Are you sure there Rob?

Or is it just the ones you've met?

Posted by: Misty on July 21, 2005 12:16 PM

AK--- I did NOT make that shit up. When I was playing guitar for a living, a LOT of wimmen compared notes and wanted a sample of what I had to offer because they heard it from their friends.

Maybe YOU don't do it, but one hell of a lot of them do.

Posted by: Acidman on July 21, 2005 12:18 PM

Misty, I never paint with such a broad (pun intended) brush as to say ALL wimmen are like that.

But the majority of them are.

Posted by: Acidman on July 21, 2005 12:19 PM

I married the wrong one first, then married the right one. Your buddy in 10) was indeed correct, as you are. As to 4) some do, some don't. For instance, the wife has told me numerous details about her coworker friend's love life. The wife, however, never shares details of our love life with said coworker. How do I know? Because the wife told me so, silly!

Posted by: Ed on July 21, 2005 12:38 PM

Men are from Mars, Wimmen are from the Andromeda fucking Galaxy.

Posted by: Elisson on July 21, 2005 12:42 PM

6) You've actually tried to win an argument with a woman?!?!?! Man, YOU are crazy!

7) Is this why wives and girlfriends always accuse you of staring at other women's tits even when you're not?

Posted by: Ed on July 21, 2005 12:48 PM

If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times, "ALL WOMEN ARE INHERENTLY EVIL!! ", regardless of age. I believe I'm uniquely qualified to make this generalization as I live in the estrogen vortex (1 wife, 2 daughters, and another daughter on the way). It seems to be a genetic tic that causes a female to be so manipulative and moody (i.e. Eve in the garden of Eden). Don't get me wrong. I love my family more than anything else. I just figure I'm paying my penance for being some sort of evil bastard in my former life. I recall something I read that said no matter how wonderful she seems or looks, some dude is sick of her shit.

Posted by: Lee on July 21, 2005 12:55 PM

"I recall something I read that said no matter how wonderful she seems or looks, some dude is sick of her shit."

That was hilarious!!! And probably SO true!!

Posted by: Alaska Kim on July 21, 2005 01:00 PM

A-man, I've said it before. You are one very brave SOB. If you had a woman living with you, she would cut you.

Posted by: Deliverance on July 21, 2005 01:22 PM

It always amuses me hugely to see the screeching hordes of females attack columns like this - they attack it because they know it is the TRUTH, and if males figure out how women really are, the women know they are well and truly screwed, in every negative sense of the word.

But it serves them right, because they are the ones who have made this fucked-up, equality-at-man's-expense, divorce court ass raping bed. So now they have to lie in it. ALONE.

Posted by: maggot on July 21, 2005 01:22 PM

Oh fer shits sake, just because YOUR taste in wimmen sucks doesn't mean you know a damn thing about us.

YOU choose the bad ones. If you follow your line of reasoning, all watermelons are rotten because YOU chose one or two rotten ones.

I don't think you'd know a good woman if she landed on your doorstep.

Posted by: livey on July 21, 2005 01:34 PM

*YAWN* Same old crap.

Posted by: hcky on July 21, 2005 02:01 PM

I gotta say it, I pretty much agree completely with wot you say, but at the same time I kinda see, my last ex screwed me over, kids, job, life...GONE.
Yeah, women talk in code, compare notes, think they're queen of the world, but when it comes down to actually achieving something worth achieving, doing something that needs doing, spending money that isn't theirs...who do they come to?

Point made

Posted by: Diesel on July 21, 2005 02:10 PM

#4 is absolutely true. I know this firsthand.

Even among women with pride and self-respect. You see, there's nothing inherent to pride or self-respect that prohibits talking about how good the sex was, among close friends.

Posted by: Sigivald on July 21, 2005 02:52 PM

Rob - fair nuff, and I can't say I disagree with a lot of the points there then.

I am 'different*' from the majority for a fair few reasons, and the amount of abuse I've put up with from 'wimmen' because of this is unbelievable.

Had plenty of nice things said about me from men though...

*I'd have to write a blog about the whole thing rather that have a comment fight though if anybody's going to start.

Posted by: Misty on July 21, 2005 03:02 PM

I wholeheartedly second the "Don't get married" part, for while men talk of the cost of marriage in dollars, women talk of the cost of marriage in lives.

Posted by: Indie on July 21, 2005 03:26 PM

I frame it this way-- I love my wife, and respect her, but part of that involves me running everything through what I call a "woman" filter. i.e. "don't worry, that's just the woman in her talking."

I have become a master at translating this shit and have friends who are clueless as to how they have such a hard time dealing with women ask me all the time for advice in how to deal with it.

My wife is, as I would say, "no more insane than the baseline for the gender." And to her credit puts up with my crap and has really helped me straighten myself out.

Men are also damn weirdos that are a pain in the ass to deal with, too. But let's be honest here, ladies. : )

Posted by: Kyle on July 21, 2005 03:35 PM

You totally nailed me on #4.

Not so much on the others.

I think you are shopping for women in the wrong state. Damn.

Agree with you on #10.

Posted by: blondage on July 21, 2005 03:39 PM

You have a mom. A grandma. A daughter. Would you say that stuff about them? I wouldn't, and I don't even know them.

Posted by: Monika on July 21, 2005 06:50 PM

9) If pussy were so fricking precious, it wouldn't be available on the open market. You can buy it just like fresh watermelons off the back of a farmer's truck. And if you negotiate a good deal, you can buy it almost as cheaply. It ain't gold-plated, guys--- never forget that fact. And don't let a woman ever convince you otherwise, either.

Amen, bro.

Located "walking distance" from our shop:

Posted by: Max Doubt on July 21, 2005 06:55 PM

Dead On
linked it for friday

Posted by: GrampaPinhead on July 21, 2005 10:11 PM

I think Monika has hit the nail on the head here.

You have horrible taste in women. You've posted about at least one thing you saw Jennifer do that would have had a halfway decent and intelligent man damning her in disgust, and then you married her.

Maybe it's that you don't treat women as *people*, and so never really see what kind of people they are. And then you get torpedoed, and act all surprised.

Posted by: Greg on July 21, 2005 10:26 PM

Again, I am laughing at the people who are trying to rip this post to shreds - you can't, because it is the TRUTH. Go ahead and try to slam Rob for his taste in women and make it all his fault, but remember who left who, and who is using the legal system to fuck over who, and who is spitting on legal court orders because she is the woman and can get away with it ...

THEN come back and tell me that his thoughts are wrong. They aren't. Feminism and NOW have stabbed romance and what marriage should be in the heart and then laughed while it bled to death.

And women bitch about men who "don't want to commit." Duhhhh, ladies, you did it to yourselves.

Posted by: maggot on July 22, 2005 10:22 AM

Love that handle.

No need to rip anything to shreds. I'll wager that every non-virgin straight male has dipped his wick in a woman like what Rob describes. But most of us don't marry them. *laugh*

Now this is a valid question (especially for a Southern man), so I'll ask it again:

Would you say those things about your Momma?

Posted by: Greg on July 22, 2005 10:28 PM

This post is just proof, once again guys, why your right hand is your best friend. I'm pretty sure I'm stealing this from Woody Allen but it has been said about masturbation that "At least I know that I'm making love to somebody that loves and respects me". And, I never berated myself for having a "premature ejaculation", not cuddling myself after sex, didn't have to spend money and time on foreplay with myself beforehand, or have to get myself half in the bag to get myself in the mood. And women wonder why men see prostitutes........

I'm on my third marriage and I'm almost 50. If I had stayed with my first wife, by now I'd be living in a paid off home with tons of money in the bank and a paid off Porsche in the garage. As it is, I've paid for 1/2 a Mercedes for 3 different lawyers and had to give a shitload of money to 2 ex-wives to keep the toys that I would not part with and the home that I built and paid for.

I do love the fairer sex, don't get me wrong. But don't marry them is good advice. Spank the monkey boys and then get back to that movie on the T.V.

Posted by: DrugStore Cowboy on July 25, 2005 12:18 PM
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