Gut Rumbles

April 14, 2011

Sunday brunch

Originally published October 5, 2003

I thought about going to the Waffle House this morning for some eggs, grits and gefilte, but I really didn't feel like putting any pants on. So, I didn't and cooked my own meal for a Sunday morning. I call it a "Fish-Stick Sandwich" and you make it like this:

* Take a handfull of fish-sticks out of the freezer and throw 'em in some hot grease.

* Take a large hamburger bun and nuke it in the microwave for 20 seconds to make it nice and warm and soft, like a woman's nekkid breast.

* Slather the bun with tartar sause and Chinese hot mustard. (That's not bad slathered on a woman's nekkid breast, either. I would much rather eat off a nekkid woman than a paper plate.)

* Lay four Claussen's long-way-cut dill pickle slices on the bottom half of the bun, and cover the dill slices with sliced jalapena peppers.

* Take the fish-sticks out of the hot grease before you burn them up and catch your kitchen on fire. Place them on a paper plate with a paper towel on it to absorb any excess grease. Remember to turn the stove off and move the grease-pot to an idle burner.

* Put as many fish sticks as you can cram on the top bun. Lay two slices of American cheese on top of the fish sticks and pop just the top bun into the microwave for 25 seconds, so that the cheese melts and glues the fish sticks together.

* Then, put the top bun on the bottom bun, crack open a cold Mountain Dew and eat a gourmet brunch. Keep paper towels handy, because you'll drool all over yourself if you don't. I'm talking damn fine eating here.

I'll give you my recipe for a toasted peanut butter and jelly sandwich later.

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