Gut Rumbles

December 17, 2009

Field sobriety test

Originally published August 25, 2004

My personal lawyer for when I get in SMALL trouble told me once, "NEVER take a field sobriety test if a cop asks you to. They'll film it and make you do something to appear impaired. Then, if you pull a .075 on a breathalizer, they're gonna bust your ass. Blow the tube, ask for a blood test, but NEVER take a field sobriety test."

I think that's good advice, because I took one today in my living room, based upon what I saw on a TV show. It was 8:30 in the morning. I had been out of bed for an hour and I wasn't popping like a string of firecrackers every time I moved anymore. I had nothing to drink but a glass of pineapple juice.

I took the test and flunked the hell out of it. GODDAMN!!! What kind of test IS that??? I might have passed it DRUNK when I was a 17 year-old athlete, but I'm a decrepit old fart now. I can't do some of that shit when I'm stone sober.

"Spread your arms, throw your head back, close your eyes and touch the tip of your nose with your left hand." Okay, I tried that and almost fell down while putting my eye out. I'm an OLD MAN! I have vertigo. I CAN'T DO THAT! I staggered. GUILTY on video tape.

"Walk a straight line, placing you feet heel-to-toe." BWHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! With MY knees, my bow-legs and my fucked-up left foot, how far do you think I got before I almost fell on my Cracker ass? About three steps. GUILTY on videotape.

"Recite the alphabet." Okay, no problem there. I still remember the song.

"Now recite the alphabet starting with first letter first and last letter next until you finish in the middle." WTF??? All right.... A, Z, B, X, No! No! That last one should be Y. Now... where did I leave off at the beginning? I flunked the shit out of that one, too, even though I use the alphabet every day. GUILTY on videotape.

"Pick up this dime from the hood of the car." Oh, no... I KNOW BETTER than to fall for that one. I couldn't pick up a silver dollar from my CARPET, let alone pick up a dime from the hood of a car. I'm only good at picking up wimmen. I don't do coins very well. GUILTY on videotape.

Think about it. You don't HAVE to take a field sobriety test, so don't... especially if you believe that you can beat the breathalizer. If you're drunk, just give up and get in the squad car. You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, so now face the medicine.

But if you're NOT DRUNK, refuse a field sobriety test.

Written as a Public Service announcement sponsored by unnamed sources.

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