Gut Rumbles

November 29, 2009

Wimmen and sex

Originally published August 23, 2004

Paul Rodrigus once told a joke that I really liked. "Wimmen are telepathic. When you pick them up for a date they KNOW if you're going to get laid that night."

For a lot of my life, wimmen scared the hell out of me. I didn't understand them. They were mysterious creatures who acted in mysterious ways. They had mysterious things under their clothes, too. I wanted to SEE those things and PLAY with them, but I was afraid to even try. Wimmen scared me in a superstitious, religious kind of way.

I eventually overcame my youthful fears and became quite the flirtatious rake in my later years. During that period of exploration and discovery, I learned a few things about wimmen.

1) One who is comfortable with herself likes sex as much as YOU do.

2) Multiple orgasms. Did God cheat men, or what??? SHE can explode like a string of firecrackers and do it over and over again. I explode ONCE and I'm ready for a nap. That just ain't fair.

3) Very few wimmen, even beautiful ones, are content with the way they look. Wimmen are more insecure than most men I know.

4) Wimmen are vicious if you ever piss them off. Men may get into a fist-fight or a gun-fight if they are pissed off. Wimmen hire lawyers and steal all of your shit. That just ain't fair, either.

5) In outer space, astronomers have found black holes, quasars, nebuli and numerous other galaxies. The universe is a huge place. But some wimmen believe that they are sitting on the only pussy in the world and they get pissed if YOU don't believe it, too.

6) Wimmen spend hours getting dressed in sexy clothes, applying makeup to make themselves look as good as possible, then cry "SEXUAL HARASSMENT!!!" when men notice.

7) Men BEG to be sexually harassed.

8) If a twenty-something-year old MALE schoolteacher bedded a 14 year-old girl, I'd call the guy a lecher and demand that he be dragged off and shot. But when a twenty-something FEMALE teacher beds a 14 year-old boy, I wonder where she was when I was in school. I WANTED a teacher like that one.

9) Some wimmen really LIKE to perform oral sex, but they don't like the same thing done to them. I've never figured that one out, but I know it's true. They'll polish your knob with utter abandon, then become all modest and ashamed if you want to go down on them. Got-Dam, woman!!! Do you think I've never seen a pussy before? I HAVE and I believe that every one I ever saw was beautiful. I know what I'm doing. Lemme have a crack at yours... or a crack OF yours. But sometimes they just don't want you to do it.

10) Wimmen remember every fuck-up you ever made. They'll bring that shit up FIVE YEARS LATER, long after you've forgotten about it. But to them, it's like it happened yesterday and the fact that YOU forgot about it makes you an even bigger sumbitch than she first thought. You'll have hell to pay, buddy, and you'll slink off like a dog kicked for no reason. Like the dog, you'll wonder, "What the fuck was THAT all about?"

I don't trust wimmen, I don't like wimmen and I don't want a woman in my life right now. They are too crazy for me.

But I wouldn't mind one in my bed right now.

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