Gut Rumbles

August 23, 2004

wimmen and sex

Paul Rodrigas once told a joke that I really liked. "Wimmen are telepathic. When you pick them up for a date they KNOW if you're going to get laid that night."

For a lot of my life, wimmen scared the hell out of me. I didn't understand them. They were mysterious creatures who acted in mysterious ways. They had mysterious things under their clothes, too. I wanted to SEE those things and PLAY with them, but I was afraid to even try. Wimmen scared me in a superstitious, religious kind of way.

I eventually overcame my youthful fears and became quite the flirtatious rake in my later years. During that period of exploration and discovery, I learned a few things about wimmen.

1) One who is comfortable with herself likes sex as much as YOU do.

2) Multiple orgasms. Did God cheat men, or what??? SHE can explode like a string of firecrackers and do it over and over again. I explode ONCE and I'm ready for a nap. That just ain't fair.

3) Very few wimmen, even beautiful ones, are content with the way they look. Wimmen are more insecure than most men I know.

4) Wimmen are vicious if you ever piss them off. Men may get into a fist-fight or a gun-fight if they are pissed off. Wimmen hire lawyers and steal all of your shit. That just ain't fair, either.

5) In outer space, astronomers have found black holes, quasars, nebulas and numerous other galaxies. The universe is a huge place. But some wimmen believe that they are sitting on the only pussy in the world and they get pissed if YOU don't believe it, too.

6) Wimmen spend hours getting dressed in sexy clothes, applying makeup to make themselves look as good as possible, then cry "SEXUAL HARASSMENT!!!" when men notice.

7) Men BEG to be sexually harrassed.

8) If a twenty-something-year old MALE schoolteacher bedded a 14 year-old girl, I'd call the guy a letcher and demand that he be dragged off and shot. But when a twenty-something FEMALE teacher beds a 14 year-old boy, I wonder where she was when I was in school. I WANTED a teacher like that one.

9) Some wimmen really LIKE to perform oral sex, but they don't like the same thing done to them. I've never figured that one out, but I know it's true. They'll polish your knob with utter abandon, then become all modest and ashamed if you want to go down on them. Got-Dam, woman!!! Do you think I've never seen a pussy before? I HAVE and I believe that every one I ever saw was beautiful. I know what I'm doing. Lemme have a crack at yours... or a crack OF yours. But sometimes they just don't want you to do it.

10) Wimmen remember every fuck-up you ever made. They'll bring that shit up FIVE YEARS LATER, long after you've forgotten about it. But to them, it's like it happened yesterday and the fact that YOU forgot about it makes you an even bigger sumbitch than she first thought. You'll have hell to pay, buddy, and you'll slink off like a dog kicked for no reason. Like the dog, you'll wonder, "What the fuck was THAT all about?"

I don't trust wimmen, I don't like wimmen and I don't want a woman in my life right now. They are too crazy for me.

But I wouldn't mind one in my bed right now.


Pretty funny list, I agree with some, but not all. There are no absolutes.

Hey, I dont blame you either. I always say, all I want from any man right now is SEX, no relationship... period.

Wont ever trust one of those again. Too much mental drama.


Posted by: vadergrrrl on August 23, 2004 01:55 PM

Twice in my life I received a multiple o from God. Had a big expolsion and kept right on 'till #2 happened..............Wow!

I remember both very clearly!

Posted by: wes jackson on August 23, 2004 02:00 PM


Posted by: James Old Guy on August 23, 2004 02:17 PM

"Regard the society of women as a necessary
unpleasantness of life and avoid it as much
as possible."


And thank the gods for TJ brothels.

Posted by: horse with no-- on August 23, 2004 02:32 PM

Women, can't live with them, can't live without them.

I'm stealing every line of this post and framing it, so it's the first thing I see in the morning. That way I'll know where I stand every morning.

Thanks Rob, too funny.

Posted by: bubba on August 23, 2004 02:58 PM

Bubba, you said it for me. When a woman can't control you with her pussy, then she will cut you off, They have just lost there power.

Posted by: Catfish on August 23, 2004 04:03 PM

Enjoyed the whole post.....but #10 should be written in STONE!!!! They can't remember to do some little odd or end around the house (hey that would go for us too, but we tend to foget things across the board) But screw up back on April 7th 1982 at 14:30 and she will remember the smell of the roses on the table, the color of her nails, and whether it was high tide at that time, PLUS every word, deed, and action you did regarding the said screw up. They are a different species.

Posted by: Guy S. on August 23, 2004 04:48 PM

And that, gentlemen, is what happens when you don't take the time find that rarest of women, unappreciated and in some circles believed nothing more than a mythological creature: The woman who thinks more like a man.

Yes, such a female exists, but is rarely seen, much less experienced by the males, generally because of her age, her ability to drink most of you under the table (always a sex-killer), or her sharp, quick, and vicious wit. We scare the everliving stuff out of you. We understand ourselves and we understand you.

I don't trust wimmen, I don't like wimmen and I don't want a woman in my life right now. They are too crazy for me.

Yeah that's true. We're crazy like cats. But there are two sides to that street, and I'd much rather be out in the traffic living and loving life than safe and secure up on the sidewalk with the prissy, fastidious, jealous, pampered and painted sissy-women I've met or known, either personally or through other people's stories.

Yeah. Don't trust men too much either. Haven't been given a whole lot of reason to trust most of them any further than I could safely pitch my pickup.

But I sure wouldn't mind an adventurous old one in my bed right now.



Posted by: Mamamontezz on August 23, 2004 05:25 PM

Why did God give women a vagina?

So men would talk to them.

Posted by: rightisright on August 23, 2004 07:05 PM

1) BS. No matter how much they enjoy it, we've got the better end of that deal. If I had a pet penis and someone stuch a vagina on it, I'd thank him. If I had a vagina and someone stuck a penis in it, I'd be quite offended. The ones who say they enjoy it as much as us either have no idea how much we enjoy it (because we probably just sound like we're taking a dump or something), or they are insane in inverse proportion to how overweigh they are (that is, the really fat ones aren't all that crazy, the skinny ones probably like to cut their arms). I always say "The vagina annoints, the penis defiles". Just look at what we're packing, they've got this delighfull, dew speckled flower that babies come out of and people will pay to look at, we've got these monsters out of Lovecraft's Cthulhu mythos. This one came out longer than I intended, kind of got carried away. I googled Azathoth the other night for something I'm working on.

9) This is one of the worst things they do. Even if the guy's flailing like the cookie monster down there, they should at least make the effort to appreciate the *notion* or the effort, or vicariously enjoy the guy's pleasure in getting to play Rex Vagman, frontier gynecologist. How the hell are you supposed to segue from kissing to intercourse without a senic detour through the seaside? "Well, I guess I'll just stick this in you now." Also, I don't want to discourage them, but anyone who enjoys sucking on a penis is a full-blown psychotic, so to speak. Question: You've never seen a nasty one? I hear black guys don't like to go there, makes me wonder about black ladies' choo-choos. You should do a post about that, and cosmetic labia surgery, the digression I was about to make would be more appropriate to a seperate post.

Posted by: Dave Munger on August 23, 2004 07:14 PM

Lord Vader: There are no absolutes.

Absolutely none? I hope you were kidding.

Posted by: Dave Munger on August 23, 2004 07:16 PM

Darlin', if the last three lines of this rant are indicative of your actual 'tude, I'm sure women don't cotton to you much, neither. Keep it up and you may eternally get your first wish (don't want a woman in your life), to the detriment of your second (wanting one in your bed). You nee to do a little re-thinkin' of them last three lines if you really wanna get laid.

I gotta say, though, I got a few chuckles out of it. You did hit on a few t fundamental truths.

Posted by: Amy on August 23, 2004 07:30 PM

A woman who doesnt like to receive oral sex? Hmmm....

I know a lot of women, and invariably (on occasion) this subject will come up.

The only bit of advice I can offer is "perhaps you just arent doing it right"....cuz all the women I know LIKE to have it done, but some guys just arent bringing it (the talent, that is)

And some women would rather go without than suffer thru a performance that bears a striking resemblance to a starved man at PIE EATING CONTEST (pardon the pun) as opposed to the patient licking and consumption of a double dip ice cream cone....I'm just sayin'

Posted by: Ruth on August 23, 2004 07:31 PM

I always ask a woman how she likes it done. I believe that my natural technique is pretty good (NOT like a pie-eating contest) but different wimmen like different things. They all have different G-spots.

Posted by: Acidman on August 23, 2004 08:27 PM

I still say if a man cant get a woman to consent to oral sex (performed on her) he better go back to the drawing board.

The old joke "How do you get to Carnegie Hall?" (practice practice practice) might be appropriate here. (Except the destination isnt Carnegie Hall)

Posted by: Ruth on August 23, 2004 09:26 PM

You don't like me? You don't trust me? Why should I let you have a "crack" at my pussy? Fuhgeddaboudit.

Posted by: kelley on August 24, 2004 02:14 PM

"Some women" should try offering more feedback. Nothing you do to another person is likely to work if they're just lying there judging your perfomance. I wouldn't want to give a backrub to an audience like that. A man is never more open to constructive criticism than during this procedure; it dosen't reflect negatively on the penis. You can even be kind of mean about it, and it'll just be *spicy*.

Posted by: Dave Munger on August 24, 2004 09:28 PM
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