Gut Rumbles

July 12, 2009

The incredible, screaming toilet

Originally PUBLISHED June 2, 2006

I can't figure out what's going on here.

I was in Willingway Hospital for 38 days, and when I got back home, I needed to drain the old lizard, so I went to the "master bathroom," my own special sanctuary attached the the Master Bedroom, and I took a leak. Then, I flushed the commode.

HOLY BEJUS!!! The pipes inside the wall voiced this horrible, moaning sound that made me think of a she-elephant giving birth to a 500-pound baby elephant with full-grown tusks. "WHOA-OA-OA-OOOOO...BUMBUMBUM...SQUEEEECHSQUEECH!!! BUMBUMHEEEEE...THUMPATHUMPA!!!"

Damn! I thought the wall was about to explode. Once the noise simmered down, I flushed the commode again, and it did the SAME THING! "WHOA-OA-OA-OOOOH...BUMBUMBUM... SQUEECHSQUEECH...BUM! BUM! THUMPTHUMP...HISSSSSSS!!!"

When that problem first started, my daughter called me one night, and just for the hell of it, I said, "Hey, Sam. Listen to THIS and tell me what it is." I took the phone in the bathroom, I flushed the commode and I held the phone up while all the elephant-noises came bellowing from the wall.

When I put the phone back to my ear, I heard Sam laughing. "Daddy... what kind of animal are you KILLING in your house?" When I told her that I wasn't killing anything--- that my got-dam commode was making that noise, she said, "Daddy... did you ever think about moving out of there?"

I figured at first that I just had a bunch of air trapped in my pipes from lack of use and I would get rid of the problem if I just flushed the commode a few times... say maybe about 100 times, back-to-back, just as fast as the tank filled back up after each flush. I tried that and sure enough, the noise stopped.

But it didn't go away. Now, it's intermittent. Sometimes, the toilet flushes just the way it should, with no weird sound-effects afterward. But other times, it not only sounds like a she-elephant giving birth, but it's got a bull elephant in there screwing her, too.

WTF causes THAT???

I'll tell you one thing. When you wake up in the middle of the night needing to urinate and you've forgotten all about the horny elephants in your commode, you get a mighty rude awakening when you stumble to the bathroom, take a leak, flush and try to stumble back to bed only to hear that gawd-awful noise coming after you. At night. In the dark. When you're ALONE!!!

Just dayum! I'm surprised that one of my neighbors hasn't called the cops to report some kind of satanic ritual involving the sacrifice of live animals in my house. At night. In the dark. When I'm alone...

The commode works fine, and it doesn't make that screaming noise all the time with every flush. That's what lulls me into forgetting about it, so that it's always a hair-raising, surprise experience when it DOES happen anymore. The damn thing did it again just a few minutes ago. I almost jumped right out of my skin.

Do I have any plumbers who read me? Can YOU tell me how to fix that problem? It's not exactly life-threatening, but it surely is spooky.

And if I ever walk into that bathroom and discover a baby elephant on the floor, I don't know WHAT I'm gonna do. At night. In the dark. All by myself...

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