Gut Rumbles

September 22, 2008

ways to make me not like you

Originally PUBLISHED February 22, 2005

* Diss boiled peanuts.

* Tell me that guns are evil.

* Worry about "Global Warming."

* Tell me that I'm a racist but Jesse Jackson is not.

* Listen to rap music.

* Quote Maureen Dowd at me.

* Wear a stud or an earrring in your nose.

* Wear sandals with black socks.

* Refuse to eat collard greens.

* Drink "Lite" beer.

* Go into a nice steak restaurant and order chicken.

* Insist on making love with the lights off.

* Get all your news from CNN.

* Wax nostalgic for the wonderful days of the Clinton presidency.

* Use the term "assault rifle" when you don't know what you're talking about.

* Refuse to eat grits.

* Call Southerners "Red-Necks" while praising the virtues of living in New Jersey.

* Brake for animals unless the animal is larger than your vehicle.

* Praise the Endangered Species Act.

* Say that I'm not a true Southerner because I like Manhatten-style conch chowder when the alternative is New England style.

* Tell me that Jimmy Carter is a great man.

* Put up with a sassy-mouth from your child.

* Tell me that Southern iced tea is too sweet.

* Call SUVs tools of the devil.

I'm really not that difficult to get along with, but certain things just piss me off.

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