February 22, 2005

That stuff would piss off the pope.

Posted by: og on February 22, 2005 09:48 PM

* Diss boiled peanuts.

Boiled peanuts are quite tasty hot or cold.

* Tell me that guns are evil.

It is my right to own firearms and guns don't kill people, people do.

* Worry about "Global Warming."

The sun is burning hotter and I don't believe in junk science.

* Tell me that I'm a racist but Jesse Jackson is not.

I don't think you're a racist, but Jesse jackson is and he's a con artist to boot.

* Listen to rap music.

Rap is noise.

* Quote Maureen Dowd at me.

Maureen Dowd is an ignorant lefty bitch.

* Wear a stud or an earrring in your nose.

Never!

* Wear sandals with black socks.

Or any color socks for that matter.

* Refuse to eat collard greens.

Collard greens with hamhock, a dash of salt and some vinegar. Yum!

* Drink "Lite" beer.

Lite beer is for lightweights.

* Go into a nice steak restaurant and order chicken.

That's what KFC is for.

* Insist on making love with the lights off.

I like to see my women.

* Get all your news from CNN.

Communist News Network

* Wax nostalgic for the wonderful days of the Clinton presidency.

Clinton was a corrupt clown. newt Gingrich and the republicans made him look good.

* Use the term "assault rifle" when you don't know what you're talking about.

I'd like to assault those morons with a cluebat.

* Refuse to eat grits.

Grits with a pinch of butter and a little salt and pepper. Yum

* Call Southerners "Red-Necks" while praising the virtues of living in New Jersey.

New Jersey: A cold, rat and crime infested toxic waste dump of a slum.

* Brake for animals unless the animal is larger than your vehicle.

Why risk killing yourself or someone else over a rabbit or a squirrel?

* Praise the Endangered Species Act.

I'd repeal it. It kills jobs, progress, infringes on property rights and creates mounds of paperwork.

* Say that I'm not a true Southerner because I like Manhatten-style conch chowder when the alternative is New England style.

I like conch fritters.

* Tell me that Jimmy Carter is a great man.

Jimmy Carter was the worst president in history. He was a pussy and he knew nothing about economics.

* Put up with a sassy-mouth from your child.

Spank their little asses until they show respect.

* Tell me that Southern iced tea is too sweet.

Sweet tea is the only way. Unsweetened tea tastes like crap.

* Call SUVs tools of the devil.

SUVs rule. Try camping or hauling amps with a Camry.

Posted by: Brent on February 22, 2005 09:56 PM

With respect, many diabetics can't drink sweetened tea, and so that one should not be held against them. Unlike thinking Jiminy Peanut was and is anything but an American disgrace.

Posted by: weaselteeth on February 22, 2005 10:13 PM

I was going to argue with the "New Jersey" slam, having been raised there, but I can't think of any "virtues" to praise at the moment.
I'll have to get back with you on that one.

All the others sound good to me though. And I am a Damn Yankee. Just like Parkway Rest Stop.

Posted by: Wichi Dude on February 22, 2005 10:32 PM

I'm 23 outta 24 big guy...I'm partial to a more sour drink.. Margueritas with lots a lime!

Posted by: Maggie on February 22, 2005 10:50 PM

I could eat collards, or I could just boil some seaweed in sewer water and choke that down...

Posted by: Key on February 22, 2005 11:01 PM

I never tried Southern Sweet Tea (but I'd like to) and, although I'm a native New Jersey guy and proud of it (only the strong survive here), I have never called you a redneck. In fact, despite your having the dining preferences of a fucking seal, I think you're a helluva guy, a good drinking buddy, and a damned good musician. So, I figure, based on your list, I'm good to go.

Posted by: Jim - PRS on February 22, 2005 11:06 PM

A man after my own heart!!
*Boiled peanuts are the shits,
*my nightstand keeps my Baretta safe,
*what's global warming?,
*racist,,,I grew up in souther Louisiana in the 60's what more is there to say,
*love jazz, blues and oldies but can't stand rap,
*don't know maureen dowd (is she related to maureen mcgovern?),
*do wear earrings in my ears,
*like to go barefooted,
*love greens (but like spinach and poke salad better than collards),
*would rather have crown royal than lite beer, *like my steak well done,
*only turn off the lights to cut down on electric bill (that's what candles are for),
*only get news online,
*clinton's days weren't so good for me,
*feel southeners have to earn the right to be called a red neck,
*don't brake for small animals, but really hate hearing the squish they make if ya don't get a square hit,
*nature should take care of it's own endangered species,
**okay, i don't like conch chowder,
*well, jimmie carter did grow some peanuts,
*my kids knew better than to sass,
*is there iced tea that isn't sweet?,
*SUV's are great, but I think a pickup is more versatile.

Posted by: Michele on February 22, 2005 11:29 PM

The Endangered Species Act was actually okay when it started. Unfortunately, as with all bureaucracies, it has gone astray from its intended purpose. And collards are good, but turnip greens are better.

Posted by: Dash on February 23, 2005 12:05 AM

Now, now, braking for smaller animals isn't necessarily a bad thing; the little bugger might mess up your grill or a headlight.

However, some 'Southern' iced tea isn't tea. It's pancake syrup that got too thin.

Posted by: Mark on February 23, 2005 12:08 AM

Got-dam. Batting 1000. I guess that means you love me. Mind if I sleep witha cork in my ass?

Posted by: Velociman on February 23, 2005 12:19 AM

I'll cop to the sweet tea thing, but that's it, bub.

If you don't like grits, you're the shits.

Posted by: Elisson on February 23, 2005 02:15 AM

Well Rob, So maybe I'm not on your shit list yet!......except, I like Turnip Greens more than Collards.....but not by much!

Bite Me

Hooker

Posted by: James Hooker on February 23, 2005 02:22 AM

I love peanuts, just not boiled. I grew a big bunch in the garden a few years ago.

Other than that your list is ok.

Posted by: jmon on February 23, 2005 05:21 AM

I get by on everything but the lite beer. But I do drink the raglar stuff, too - my Crab House fridge has Bass Ale, Stella Artois, Pilsner Urquell, Fischer's, Bittburger, Warsteiner, Corona, Peroni and various versions of Otter Creek, along with a case or two of Coors Light (AKA "Twinkies"), and gawd knows what else. Coors don't leave me with a hangover when I overdo it.

Posted by: Sandcrab on February 23, 2005 06:40 AM

I do brake for small animals out of consideration for my car/suv but other than that I like your list fine.

Posted by: Starhawk on February 23, 2005 06:51 AM

... I am down with all of them except the fucking collard greens...

Posted by: Eric on February 23, 2005 08:22 AM

* Diss boiled peanuts. Can't diss what I haven't tried, but they sure sound nasty.

* Tell me that guns are evil. My gun is a saint!

* Worry about "Global Warming." Up where I used to live, people who worried about global warming were afraid it wasn't happening.

* Tell me that I'm a racist but Jesse Jackson is not. Where's my ten-foot pole?

* Listen to rap music. Impossible. One can listen to rap OR listen to music.

* Quote Maureen Dowd at me. That would require reading Maureen Dowd, and I don't like the way bleeding from the ears makes me feel.

* Wear a stud or an earring in your nose. An earring in my nose? Not likely. How about a nose ring in my ear?

* Wear sandals with black socks. Hey! That could be stylish!

* Refuse to eat collard greens. Busted!

* Drink "Lite" beer. I'll do you one worse: I've drunk O'Doul's.

* Go into a nice steak restaurant and order chicken. I've often wondered WTF that shit's doing on the menu.

* Insist on making love with the lights off. I know I put that damn ten-foot pole around here somewhere.

* Get all your news from CNN. Speaking of bleeding from the ears...

* Wax nostalgic for the wonderful days of the Clinton presidency. What? I can't hear you -- too much blood in my ears.

* Use the term "assault rifle" when you don't know what you're talking about. I've never assaulted anyone with a rifle. Doesn't mean I can't.

* Refuse to eat grits. Busted again!

* Call Southerners "Red-Necks" while praising the virtues of living in New Jersey. There are no virtues of living in New Jersey.

* Brake for animals unless the animal is larger than your vehicle. You ain't seen how big the squirrels get in these parts.

* Praise the Endangered Species Act. "Friends, ROmans, countrymen..."

* Say that I'm not a true Southerner because I like Manhattan-style conch chowder when the alternative is New England style. Hey, which is further south? Manhattan, right?

* Tell me that Jimmy Carter is a great man. "He's history's greatest monster!"

* Put up with a sassy-mouth from your child. [SMACK!]

* Tell me that Southern iced tea is too sweet. Busted yet again! My wife orders unsweet tea and sweetens it herself to get it the way she likes it. I grew up drinking tea unsweetened. Sorry, but we just think tea shouldn't be seven parts sugar for every part tea.

* Call SUVs tools of the devil. My wife's SUV is a saint. Some other people's SUVs are tools of The Idiot, but that's not the SUV's fault.

Posted by: McGehee on February 23, 2005 11:27 AM

Oh...GRITS! Damn, I need a new monitor (or eyes). I thought it said "girls".

Posted by: Bruce on February 23, 2005 02:50 PM

I actually *want* you to like me, but I've got a compulsion to give people reasons not to, should they be so inclined-

- I liked that old rap song where the guy's playing the piano and yelling "Yooooo got what I neeee eeeed, but you say he's just a friend, but you say he's just a friend, OH BAYBEEEEE, YOOOOO...."
- I haven't intentionally eaten beef in something like a year. I'm almost convinced Alzheimers is mad-cow.
- I miss the way Clinton used to just start bombing without all the preliminaries.
- I even break for opposum.
- SUVs are peni for women (AKA, tools of the devil). They shouldn't be illegal or anything though.

Posted by: Dave Munger on February 23, 2005 03:38 PM

"Guns are evil because they shoot horrible boiled peanuts at over-sweetened ice tea, according to CNN." - Maureen Dowd.

I could go further, but why?

Posted by: Sigivald on February 23, 2005 05:04 PM

One more addition and it's perfect.

"Guns are evil because they shoot horrible boiled peanuts at over-sweetened ice tea.........., according to CNN." - Maureen Dowd

Posted by: Yosemite Sam on February 23, 2005 05:45 PM

Boiled peanuts? Nuts are nuts.
Global warming? Warm THIS!
Racist? Fuck that.
Rap? Only Eminem.
Maureen Dowd? Fuck her.
Earrings in my ears? No fucking way.
Collard greens? Love 'em.
Lite beer? Only for sissies.
Steak? Medium rare and bleeding.
Turn off the lights? What the fuck?
The news? Not if I can help it.
Clinton's days? Lot better than now.
Southeners red neck? You betcha.
Brake for small animals? Kidding me?
Jimmy Carter? Great EX-Prez.
Kids that sass? Not once.
SUVs? Jesus would drive one.

Posted by: BJK on February 23, 2005 10:37 PM

Maureen Dowd? Fuck her.

Damn you! DAMN YOU! And damn my overly literal mind! Now not only are my ears bleeding but my eyes have exploded and my brain is leaking out through my nose.

Posted by: McGehee on February 23, 2005 11:24 PM

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