Gut Rumbles

September 07, 2008

ice and desire

Originally PUBLISHED July 21, 2005

Wimmen are like a Rubik's Cube, or one of those logic puzzles I'm so good at solving, but the truth is... I STILL haven't figured wimmen out. That may be one puzzle I'm simply not meant to solve.

With my Southern upbringing, I was taught to put wimmen on a pedestal and worship them like goddesses. They were SPECIAL and PURE and something to be fought for and won, like a prize in a jousting contest. Yes, the idea of being a Knight in Shining Armor still lives in the South today.

I believed that shit until I came to know wimmen a little better. I'm going to give some of you guys a little advice about how wimmen REALLY are.

1) They are the most devious creatures in the world. GOT-DAM!!! They plan, scheme and manipulate all the time. That's their nature. They don't think in straight lines. But they see angles better than any man ever did.

2) Pussy is NOT a precious commodity, and if you, as a man, ever TREAT it that way, you are doomed. A woman's total goal in life is to use pussy-power to get her way. Once she has you convinced that giving you a lick at it makes you OBLIGATED to her, you're stuck like a bug in a spider's web.

3) Yeah, yeah. All men think with their dicks. I'm not going to argue that point, because it's true. But if you don't believe that wimmen think with their pussies, you're outta your mind.

4) If you think wimmen don't get together and talk about dicks and how good you are in bed, you're outta your mind again. They are just as horny as any man I've ever known, and they COMPARE NOTES when they get laid. I got laid a LOT by doing a good job on a woman who told her friends about it.

5) Don't take anything a woman does as personal. She'll cut ANYBODY's throat as fast as she cut yours. That's just the way most of 'em are built.

6) They are ALL crazy--- it's just a matter of degree. No man can ever win an argument by pointing out crazy behavior on the woman's part, because SHE doesn't think it's crazy. She just gets pissed off at YOU and gets crazier to prove her point, whatever the hell that was. Oh, yeah. That was to prove that she ISN'T crazy-- YOU are.

7) No woman I've ever know is happy with the way she looks. That insecurity breeds a very sensitive bunch of tentacles that spread out and detect insults, even when none are there. Don't EVER tell one that her ass looks fat in that dress. And you WILL be asked.

8) Forget teaching Ebonics in school. If some educator could set up a legitimate course in "Wimmentalk," I'd sign up and take it tomorrow. Wimmen speak in code. They expect a man to UNDERSTAND IT, too, even though they never bother to translate.

9) If pussy were so fricking precious, it wouldn't be available on the open market. You can buy it just like fresh watermelons off the back of a farmer's truck. And if you negotiate a good deal, you can buy it almost as cheaply. It ain't gold-plated, guys--- never forget that fact. And don't let a woman ever convince you otherwise, either.

10) DON'T EVER GET MARRIED!!!! I once worked with a guy who said, right before I married my first wife, "If you find the right one, there's nothing like it. Of course if you marry the WRONG one, there's nothing like THAT, either." He was correct, and in my dotage now, I say the risk isn't worth the cost.

Now. THAT post should piss some people off.

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