Gut Rumbles

August 14, 2008

Cell phones

Originally published June 23, 2004

How did people EVER manage to drive cars before the invention of the cell phone? On my trip to Key West, I noticed that about one in four cars I saw on the Interstate had a driver with one of those Borg-like devices stuck to his or her ear. I'll be willing to bet you that all but one or two of those people were just bullshitting with someone they really didn't need to talk to.

"Hello? James? Yeah, I'm driving down the road now. I'll have to stop for a pee break before long, and I just wanted to let you know."

"Hi, Mary! Whatcha doin'? Aw, I'm not doin' much either. Nothin' plus nothin' means nothin,' don't it? Whoa! I almost sideswiped an eighteen wheeler!"

"May I speak to Bob, please? Wrong number? Who cares? I'll just bullshit with YOU. What's your name, anyway?"

I can understand having a cell phone in the car. It can come in handy if you break down on the road and need to call Triple-A for a tow. Other than that, the sumbitch needs to stay in the glove box. People who feel the overpowering desire to exercise their jaws every time they get behind the wheel of a car should learn to chew gum. Fuck them AND their cell phones.

I believe that we should have a bounty on assholes who don't know how to HANG UP AND DRIVE.

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