Gut Rumbles

August 12, 2008

Buying groceries

Originally published March 1, 2005

Do you shop for name brands, or just buy the cheapest shit you can find? I think that's a good question because I do a little of both. But my tastes are peculiar.

I smoke cigarettes and I buy Marlboro Menthol Light 100s. I'll settle for Dorals on occasion, but very rarely. I don't know why I prefer one cigarette over another because half the ones I light just burn up in the ashtray while I type. But I'll drive out of my way to buy a carton of Marlboros.

I like Bass Ale and Burnett's citrus-flavored vodka. Not TOGETHER, but separately. I can't think of a single "commercial" American beer that isn't anything but possum piss and when they make it "lite" on top of that, it's a waste of perfectly good kidneys to drink it. Now people are drinking "ultra-lite" beer because they're watching their carbs. My aching ass.

I buy Charmin Ultra toilet paper. I don't give a damn about a lot of things in life, but I like to wipe my ass with nice toilet paper. That stuff is good. I buy it by the bale and it lasts me a long time as long as I don't have a woman around. A damn woman will use half a roll of triple-thick, super-soft Charmin just to daub her pussy after an ultra-light beer piss. I don't understand that.

I like genuine Blue Plate mayonnaise. I won't buy anything else. And I LIKE mayonnaise.

Other than that, I pretty much go for whatever is on sale. I don't see a lot of difference between generic brands and top-o-the-line stuff when it comes to canned food, except for the price. Orida makes the best frozen french fries, but they aren't worth a dollar more than the Kroger brand for a bag. And I can't tell any difference between genuine Listerine and the "antiseptic mouth wash" that looks just like Listerine, TASTES just like Listerine and sells for $2.00 less for the same goddam bottle without the Listerine name on it.

My first wife SWORE that she could tell the difference between LeSeur canned green peas and anything else on the shelf. Maybe she could, but I couldn't. Canned green peas aren't exactly gourmet food. I ain't paying 25 cents more per can just so I can say we have LeSeur peas in the house.

Canned tuna? I like to eat it, but I can't tell Chicken o' the Sea from the generic store-brand. I buy whatever costs less. I like Hormel canned chili better than any other, but I'll buy Castlebury's, Dinty Moore or whatever store brand costs the least when I load my larder. After all--- it's only canned chili.

How do YOU shop? Do you have favorite name-brands, or do you just buy the cheap shit that'll pack your gut just as well for less money?

(UPDATE: I forgot one thing. I will not buy any other dill pickles than Claussins. That's the best fricking dill pickle in the world, hands down. Whether you like them whole, sliced, Kosher or any other way, they are the best! That's one piece of grocery shopping where I will not sacrifice quality for cost.)

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