Gut Rumbles

June 30, 2008


Originally PUBLISHED July 3, 2004

I almost joined the Savannah Shamrocks rugby team when I was in college. I was still a jockstrap in those days and I played every intra-mural sport the school had to offer. I have trophies for softball, flag football, basketball, tennis and even TWO trophies for water polo. How many people do YOU KNOW who ever played water polo? (The most violent, exhausting game I ever played.)

I liked the idea of playing rugby until I went and watched a game. Holy Bejus! That was like watching a mugging with rules. I enjoyed the party afterward (ruggers DO KNOW how to party after a game) but I decided not to join the team. Instead, I wrote a song about rugby.

The Rugby Blues

One day when I was feelin' mean
I decided to join a rugby team
To test the depths of my athletic skills
I put on a jock and some cleated shoes
And went out to see what I could do
On the battleground of the rugby playing field.

They were one man short on the very first day
So they put me in and they let me play
I was ready, cause I was young and dumb
We gathered up tight and kicked at the ball
The play resembled a barroom brawl
And somebody told me that was called a "scrum."

Hey! I was scrumming!

All kinds of bodies went flying by
I got kicked in the crotch and poked in the eye
There was everybody laying knots upon my head
I thought, "My God! What have I done?"
As I lay there flat upon my buns
Knowing well that I was surely dead.

I was feeling poorly.

All I could do was moan and cough
While everybody else went running off
I crawled away just glad to be alive
I hung up my jock and my cleated shoes
And started to nurse my rugby wounds
And I swore I'd never, EVER do it again.

I learned a lesson...

I've pondered long on that fateful day
And I've got just this one thing to say
I don't believe I'm the rugby playing kind
No, next time I'm gonna stay at home
Sit in a blender and turn it on
Just skip the game and beat MY OWN behind.

(Words and music by Rob Smith, written in 1976)

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