Gut Rumbles

May 18, 2008

embarassing moment

Originally PUBLISHED May 27, 2006

I finally emerged from the Crackerbox today, which I haven't done for about a week now. I didn't feel like doing it, but I HAD to. I was completely out of several household essentials, including milk, eggs, butter, garbage bags and cigarettes. Plus, I had no more fruit juice, Coke or Mountain Dew in my refrigerator. I mounted up and went to Kroger's.

I bought my necessaries, and threw in some Mexican popcicles, a bag of blue corn tortilla chips, a case of Ensure and a bottle of OTC Pepcid. Catfish told me when he dropped by the other day that green peanuts from Florida were hitting the grocery stores now, so I ventured to the produce section (I needed lettuce, too) and I found 'em.

Shit!!! $1.79 a pound!!! That's steep, but not THAT steep for this time of year. The peanuts looked pretty good, too. I opened one and it was full, so I loaded a plastic produce bag with about five pounds of them. I twisted the top of the bag shut and placed it carefully in my buggy.

I must not have been careful enough. The side of the plastic bag split open and green peanuts spilled EVERYWHERE!!!! The sumbitches clattered through the mesh bottom of the buggy, hit the floor and went rolling, bouncing and spinning all over the place.

Just GREAT!!! Withered old ladies, fat mobile-home dwellers and bratty children ALL stopped what they were doing to STARE at me as green peanuts kept spilling from my buggy. I looked down at the mess, picked up the bag with a few peanuts still clinging to the plastic and tossed THAT defective bastid into the onion bin.

Then, I tried again, this time after grabbing a handful of those pissant, suck-ass, flimsy, Korean-made, plastic-see-through containers and TRIPLE-BAGGING before I reloaded. I got THOSE peanuts into my buggy without another embarassing incident.

As I crunched my way through the spilled peanuts, I saw a pimply-faced young man in a Kroger's red vest. He was stocking hamburger buns over in the bread aisle. I told him, "You need to call for a cleanup detail over in produce. Somebody spilled green peanuts all over the floor. A customer may slip and fall on that mess." He thanked me and went to see to it. I didn't mention that I was the one who made the mess.

But it really wasn't MY fault. It was THEIR fault for offering shitty, shoddy produce bags. At least I reported the spill. Still, the scene was very embarassing.

The good news is... I bought everything I set out to buy. The peanuts are cooking on the stove as I write and they smell GOOD. I am sipping on a warm Mountain Dew and my belly doesn't hurt at all, not since I ate three OTC Pepsid.

I just hope that the peanuts are better than the got-dam bags they came in.

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