Gut Rumbles

May 27, 2006

embarassing moment

I finally emerged from the Crackerbox today, which I haven't done for about a week now. I didn't feel like doing it, but I HAD to. I was completely out of several household essentials, including milk, eggs, butter, garbage bags and cigarettes. Plus, I had no more fruit juice, Coke or Mountain Dew in my refrigerator. I mounted up and went to Kroger's.

I bought my necessaries, and threw in some Mexican popcicles, a bag of blue corn tortilla chips, a case of Ensure and a bottle of OTC Pepcid. Catfish told me when he dropped by the other day that green peanuts from Florida were hitting the grocery stores now, so I ventured to the produce section (I needed lettuce, too) and I found 'em.

Shit!!! $1.79 a pound!!! That's steep, but not THAT steep for this time of year. The peanuts looked pretty good, too. I opened one and it was full, so I loaded a plastic produce bag with about five pounds of them. I twisted the top of the bag shut and placed it carefully in my buggy.

I must not have been careful enough. The side of the plastic bag split open and green peanuts spilled EVERYWHERE!!!! The sumbitches clattered through the mesh bottom of the buggy, hit the floor and went rolling, bouncing and spinning all over the place.

Just GREAT!!! Withered old ladies, fat mobile-home dwellers and bratty children ALL stopped what they were doing to STARE at me as green peanuts kept spilling from my buggy. I looked down at the mess, picked up the bag with a few peanuts still clinging to the plastic and tossed THAT defective bastid into the onion bin.

Then, I tried again, this time after grabbing a handful of those pissant, suck-ass, flimsy, Korean-made, plastic-see-through containers and TRIPLE-BAGGING before I reloaded. I got THOSE peanuts into my buggy without another embarassing incident.

As I crunched my way through the spilled peanuts, I saw a pimply-faced young man in a Kroger's red vest. He was stocking hamburger buns over in the bread aisle. I told him, "You need to call for a cleanup detail over in produce. Somebody spilled green peanuts all over the floor. A customer may slip and fall on that mess." He thanked me and went to see to it. I didn't mention that I was the one who made the mess.

But it really wasn't MY fault. It was THEIR fault for offering shitty, shoddy produce bags. At least I reported the spill. Still, the scene was very embarassing.

The good news is... I bought everything I set out to buy. The peanuts are cooking on the stove as I write and they smell GOOD. I am sipping on a warm Mountain Dew and my belly doesn't hurt at all, not since I ate three OTC Pepsid.

I just hope that the peanuts are better than the got-dam bags they came in.


Enjoy your nuts...must've seemed a bit like Xmas - green nuts and probably a couple of red cheeks! :)

Posted by: Lisa on May 27, 2006 05:36 PM

Now you've got me wanting boiled peanuts.
Do you use just salt in yours or do you do the "cajun" thing??
I like the cajun peanuts but have never been able to figure out the correct spices to make them taste right. Let me know if you have that info.

Posted by: Dawn on May 27, 2006 06:46 PM

Boil them in a seafood season like Old Bay or any Cajun pepper season. I use LA Crawfish boil mix.

Posted by: Catfish on May 27, 2006 07:25 PM

I got this story from a midwife I know. A client of her clinic was due to deliver any day. This heavily pregnant woman happened to be in the supermarket when her water broke. POP-SPLOOSH all over the floor.

So the woman grabbed a gallon jar of pickles off the shelf and dropped that, too. CRASH-SPLASH! Then she called for cleanup and got the hell out of there to go have her baby.

Whenever I think about that, I don't know whether to grimace or grin.

Posted by: dipnut on May 27, 2006 09:32 PM

When my grandma was still alive, I had talked her in to driving one of those little ride on carts when we were in Kmart. She no longer could walk long distances, but enjoyed shopping. Well, she managed to knock over an end cap of tampons trying to turn the corner.
She was so motified she had to leave the store and swore to never ride one of those things again.

Posted by: Maeve on May 28, 2006 10:02 AM

The trick with the nutsacks is to handle them gently... and don't tug em

Posted by: Yogimus on May 28, 2006 12:54 PM

Thanks Catfish! After reading Rob's post, I spied a roadside farmer's market yesterday and picked up some peanuts for boiling. I've got some Old Bay seasoning and am thinking of picking up some Zatarain's seasoning tot hrow in there as well. That's a combo I've never tried.
In the past when trying to make the "cajun" variety I have tried tobasco, salt and cayenne (on someone else's suggestion)....not a good combination.

Posted by: Dawn on May 29, 2006 02:04 AM

CAREFUL with peppers... they sour when boiled.

Posted by: Yogimus on May 29, 2006 03:51 PM

"so I loaded a plastic produce bag with about five pounds of them"

Obviously you overloaded the baggie right?

Selfish bastage. :)

BTW whatever happened to good old paper bags? They could take a beating and still be good to pack out the garbage serving a second life.

Posted by: TC on May 30, 2006 12:35 PM
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