May 02, 2008
Originally published August 23, 2003
If elected President, I will personally apply jumper cables to frank J's testicles and turn the hand-crank generator myself until Frank screams like a monkey.
If elected President, I will declare a cease-fire in the War on Drugs and just drop really good shit from helicopters over poor neighborhoods. I'll keep the thugs too stoned to commit crime.
If elected President, I will BAN the word "gender" when people really mean "sex."
If elected President, I also will BAN Black Studies, Wimmen's studies, Pederast Studies, Gay Studies, Barking Moonbat Studies and any other off the wall bullshit colleges are teaching today when they should be educating youngsters, not brainwashing them.
If I am elected President and you steal a car, you die by firing squad.
If elected, I won't rent out the Lincoln Bedroom to Hollywood celebrities and rich campaign donors. I'll stock it with hookers. I'll ALSO admit that I DID have sex in the Oval Office.
I want to be President because I could throw one hell of a party in the White House at taxpayers expense. I want wake up hung-over on the lawn the next morning with a nekkid woman asleep next to me. I want to wake up with a headache and look at her pretty, round ass and wonder whether I laid her or not. If I can't recall, I'll lay her right then. Secret Service be damned.
If I am elected, we're gonna bomb everybody, just because we can. Starting with France, just because France deserves it. UN be damned.
As part of my education agenda, guitar lessons will be mandatory in any school that receives federal funds, and that's pretty much ALL OF THEM. BWHAHAHAHAH!!! Uncle Sam got you idiots there!!!
If I am elected, I will be THE PEOPLE'S PRESIDENT. You will do what I say when I tell you to do it, or you will be executed by firing squad. My motto is "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
Got-damn. It's about time this country had a leader like me.
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