Gut Rumbles

August 23, 2003

my agenda

If elected President, I will personally apply jumper cables to frank J's testicles and turn the hand-crank generator myself until Frank screams like a monkey.

If elected President, I will declare a cease-fire in the War on Drugs and just drop really good shit from helicopters over poor neighborhoods. I'll keep the thugs too stoned to commit crime.

If elected President, I will BAN the word "gender" when people really mean "sex."

If elected President, I also will BAN Black Studies, Wimmen's studies, Pederast Studies, Gay Studies, Barking Moonbat Studies and any other off the wall bullshit colleges are teaching today when they should be educating youngsters, not brainwashing them.

If I am elected President and you steal a car, you die by firing squad.

If elected, I won't rent out the Lincoln Bedroom to Hollywood celebrities and rich campaign donors. I'll stock it with hookers. I'll ALSO admit that I DID have sex in the Oval Office.

I want to be President because I could throw one hell of a party in the White House at taxpayers expense. I want wake up hung-over on the lawn the next morning with a nekkid woman asleep next to me. I want to wake up with a headache and look at her pretty, round ass and wonder whether I laid her or not. If I can't recall, I'll lay her right then. Secret Service be damned.

If I am elected, we're gonna bomb everybody, just because we can. Starting with France, just because France deserves it. UN be damned.

As part of my education agenda, guitar lessons will be mandatory in any school that receives federal funds, and that's pretty much ALL OF THEM. BWHAHAHAHAH!!! Uncle Sam got you idiots there!!!

If I am elected, I will be THE PEOPLE'S PRESIDENT. You will do what I say when I tell you to do it, or you will be executed by firing squad. My motto is "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

Got-damn. It's about time this country had a leader like me.


My son was just diagnosed as HIV positive. I may not be posting for a while.

Posted by: ACIDMAN on August 23, 2003 01:53 PM

Holy @#$!! am I glad that comment is phony, 'cause it sure as @#$!! ain't funny.

Posted by: McGehee on August 23, 2003 02:50 PM

I know that you will have plenty of volunteers for campaign manager. When you get elected, I would like to be a sub, sub, sub, sub presidential spokeswoman. That way, by the time you reached me I would know exactly what was suppose to come out of my mouth, instead of having to backtrack every other time, cause somebody had just stepped in it.

Posted by: Laura on August 23, 2003 03:02 PM

I want to be supreme commander in charge of Nuking Berkeley.

Posted by: Mr. Lion on August 23, 2003 03:14 PM

I agree, it isn't funny. I was shocked. How can anyone be such a prick as to leave a comment like that? Grrrrr....

I'd vote for you Acidman. The country needs a man like you. ;)

Posted by: Gennie on August 23, 2003 03:33 PM

What an awful comment that person made. But, he/she is self described, if you look at the email address he/she left.

Personally, I don't think you would be a great president. No offense, Rob, but shooting anyone who disagress with you is just a wee bit rough, don't you think?

Posted by: beth on August 23, 2003 05:13 PM

Somebody told Mrs. Polk at the inauguration ball that she had a very genteel assemblage there that night. ``Sir, I have never seen it otherwise,'' she said. Try to keep up that tone. Our Southern Presidents need a boost.

Posted by: Ron Hardin on August 23, 2003 05:46 PM

If a car is stolen, the person should be hanged in public. This would be just like a horse thief in the old west. Poster #1 should be Too. I'll tie the rope.

Posted by: sambam on August 23, 2003 06:04 PM

Death Penalty for parking violations. Three problems solved - overloaded court dockets, jail overcrowding and a lack of parking downtown.

Posted by: Greg on August 23, 2003 06:27 PM

Yeah, you could give a State of my Bionic Dick address each year.

Posted by: Pedro on August 23, 2003 08:34 PM

You've been getting an awful lot of Instalinks lately! Seems like Glenn is a big fan, and not just of Roscoe.

Posted by: Jay Solo on August 23, 2003 08:40 PM

I assume you have the IP address for the asshat that posted the first comment. I'll personally drive to his/her home and put him/her out of his/her misery for you.

Posted by: Patrick on August 23, 2003 08:45 PM

I hope you'll lower cigarette taxes to a nickel a pack, disbar all the lawyers and attorneys general involved in the tobacco shakedown of 1998, and disburse all their assets among the smokers who really paid for the tobacco companies' settlement.

Of course, you'd have my vote if only for ending the war on drugs, with life sentences for the perpetrators thereof.

Posted by: Brett on August 23, 2003 09:44 PM

If elected President, I will BAN the word "gender" when people really mean "sex."

This put you over the top --- you've got my vote!

Posted by: Jabba the Nutt on August 23, 2003 09:45 PM

Now that's a platform I can get behind, so to speak.

It's funny- I have a friend whose girlfriend is some sort of pagan (she's nice enough, for all that). She participates in a number of rites, timed by the phases of the moon, that seem to involve dancing around bonfires, playing with bones and antlers, and other similar things.

We've been thinking that as men we're missing out on real men's rituals, and should probably get some posthaste. I don't mean some sort of Robert Bly thing (that seemed more like a women's- sorry, wymmin's- ritual, just done by men, with a few more drums).

We're still a little hazy in the details, but we've definitely decided that it will involve hookers and limousines. And maybe some automatic weapons. Dunno, maybe you can work it into your platform somehow.

A constituent

Posted by: Tagore Smith on August 23, 2003 09:51 PM

Don't forget the liquor. No male ritual is complete without lots of liquor. Preferably multiple kinds.

Posted by: McGehee on August 24, 2003 05:28 AM

... and darts. Nothing says "male ritual" like liquor, darts and hookers.

With ESPN in the background.

Posted by: Kim du Toit on August 24, 2003 09:41 AM

Darts are for wussies, real men throw knives and tomahawks. So.. knives, tomahawks, hookers, hooch.. and hookers wrestling in oiled spagetti... yeah...

Posted by: Graumagus on August 24, 2003 12:59 PM

Guns. Gotta have guns.

Preferably fully automatic.

Posted by: McGehee on August 24, 2003 03:34 PM

What about re-instituting chain-gangs for criminals? And screw this crap about cable TV and gyms in prison.

And nut-jobs like your first commenter? Chainsaw enema. On ESPN. With Laurie Dhue in a bikini and Shepard Smith in a thong doing commentary.

And don't forget NASCAR. Make them go back to REAL stock cars and REAL drivers. Make sure they have at least one good police pursuit on thier record before they can drive.

And while you're at it, repeal that stupid helmet law. If I feel like I need one, I'll wear it. Otherwise, let my red mane blow.

Posted by: Mamamontezz on August 24, 2003 04:13 PM

Remember folks, at least half the prison population doesn't belong there, as they were convicted under unconstitutional laws. Release them, and then come down hard on the real criminals.

Posted by: Brett on August 24, 2003 06:55 PM

Steal a car? Firing squad?
All registered Democrats and other assorted liberals who've damn near killed our country in the last 30 years are firing squad fodder.
That'll take care of government, traffic congestion, high taxes, ignorant idiots in lines at the store who don't spika da Englis, and give us all some breathing room, since that would trim the population by about 70%.

Posted by: WTF is with this country on August 24, 2003 08:08 PM

You'll probably get John Ashcroft's vote.

Posted by: Danny on August 24, 2003 11:32 PM

I like most of your platform, but not the part about guitar lessons for all students. There are people who can't be trusted with a guitar. Imagine black turtlenecked girls singing 264 verses of "Free Mumia' to the tune of "Tom Dooley." No, this is not thought through with your usual care and discernment.

Posted by: Joanne Jacobs on August 25, 2003 05:25 PM

Ouch! Joanne, you may have me there.

Posted by: Acidman on August 25, 2003 06:28 PM

Wow, can Joanne put the end to a party or what?

Just kidding, Joanne, don't ban me from your comments.

Posted by: Robin Roberts on August 25, 2003 08:25 PM
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