Gut Rumbles

April 22, 2008

Some rules are for fools

Originally published August 16, 2003

Here is a list of rules that I violate all the time.

1. Observe the speed limit. Yeah, right. Nobody else does, so why should I? The only place I drive slowly is in a school zone, because I know that kids are idiots and I don't want to run over one. Outside of there, I go as fast as I can.

2. No Smoking. Fuck you. I'll smoke 'em if I've got 'em, and I always have 'em. The worst you can do is glare at me and tell me to put it out. I will, too, just as soon as I am finished. I sometimes light a cigarette just to piss anti-smokers off.

3. do not pass. If the slowpoke ahead of me would speed up, I wouldn't need to pass. But if he doesn't, I will. I don't pay a lot of attention to yellow lines when I know the roads.

4. Don't drink and drive. How the hell am I supposed to get home from the Sea Grill or Wisenbacker's after a big meal and several drinks? Walk? I don't think so.

5. Jaywalking. I cross the street when I see an opening in traffic. Screw an intersection. At least I run across the street. Some people like to stroll and cause accidents, or sometimes get hit by a car. Most of those slow walkers in traffic are big-assed black wimmen. I'm sorry, but it's true. Sometimes, when I see one of those asswits, I want to roll down my window and shout, "Didn't your mama teach you how to cross the street, you fucking idiot?" until I realize that she's leading at least one child across the "skreet" with her. Just like mama taught her.

Bejus. If you're going to break rules, at least KNOW THE RULES FIRST. Then, breaking them is a conscious decision, not an act of pure dumbassery.

I could continue, because I break a LOT of rules. But I am finished now, with my top five.

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