Gut Rumbles

April 16, 2008

Lesson learned

Originally published May 27, 2003

When you are in pain, do not expect sympathy from a dear friend. Cop 3 proved that theory in my comments today. He does not feel my pain. In fact, he LAUGHS at my pain.

If you're really drunk around a campfire and decide to take the razor-sharp Buck knife off your belt before you climb into your sleeping bag, make sure that the damned thing stays in the sheath. Otherwise, it may pop out and cut the shit out of the index finger on your left hand.

A bloody finger on a camping trip will heal itself if you just say, "Goddam! I just cut the shit out of myself with my own fucking knife!" three times within five minutes. It worked for me.

No fish is too small to throw back into the Chatooga River, ever again. I'll keep even the minnows I catch from now own. Of course, that will happen when I am helicoptered back into the place or I walk with a llama bearing all my tack. I am NOT toting that crap on my back anymore.

As drunk as I was, I realized that our three-part harmony around the campfire sucked. Obviously, we didn't bring enough brown liquor. Of course, I ended up UNDER my hammock the second night totally convinced that I was IN IT, so maybe we brought too much brown liquor.

I truly did not realize that I was lying on the ground until Don said, "Smith, raise your fucking feet up!" I did. He said, "Now, cross your ankles. Feel something there? That's your goddam hammock, you drunken fuck-faucet! You're about to pass out on the ground."

He was right. I thought that the hammock should not have rocks in the bottom of it and I wondered why I felt them pressing on my spine. He solved that mystery right away. I managed to climb my way in and pass out go to sleep.

When you have to go back to work after three days of such debauchery, do not expect to feel like the best and brightest person you've ever been. Anticipate discovering new muscles that you didn't know you had, all sore as hell. Anticipate an overpowering urge to take a nap at your desk around lunchtime. Anticipate an early bedtime tonight and a fresh start tomorrow.

Yeah. I'm going to do THAT SHIT again, the first chance I get.

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