Gut Rumbles

April 06, 2008

More on bottled water

Originally published August 4, 2003

I have managed to chap a bunch of sensitive asses with my rants about bottled water. When I read "Why don't you drink some of this alkalai-filled, arsenic-laced shit we call water around here? Shit your brains out and puke your guts out for a few days. THEN tell me I'm a pussified yuppie for buying bottled water."

I'm not talking about going to the grocery store and buying water in one-gallon jugs to drink and cook with because the water out of the tap is damn near unfit to flush a toilet. I've done that. Go down around Fort Myers, Florida, on the beach. That's the most sulfurous water I ever smelled. You couldn't take a shower in it without making the entire bathroom smell like an egg-fart.

I ain't gonna drink that crap and I ain't gonna ask my family to, either. I made a run to the grocery store and bought a CASE of 12 one-gallon jugs of water for $10.00. That's what we cooked with and drank while we were there. Good, cheap, clean, fresh water. Twelve gallons for $10.00.

While I was at Summer Waves, the big water park on Jekyll Island, I became thirsty from being out in the sun and watching the boys play. I looked around for a water fountain and couldn't find one. I saw HUNDREDS of people walking around with bottles of Evian and Aquapure and the rest of that yuppie shit in their hands.

I went up to a concession stand. "How much for a pint of cold water?" I asked.

"$2.00," was the reply.

"How much for a cold Mountain Dew?"

"$1.70." I bought the Mountain Dew. It came in a bottle just as large as the yuppie water did.

That's when I had my epiphany about bottled water. We have become so health-conscious, risk-averse and brainwashed by bullshit today that some asshole working out of a mobile home in Dalton, Georgia can fill plastic bottles out of the nasty tap in his kitchen sink, slap some kind of "spring-water" label on it, and convince people that it's worth $2.00 a pop because it "tastes better" than regular water. My ass.

If you spend your money on $2.00 water, you need to be dragged off and shot. You can buy DISTILLED WATER at any drugstore for $1.99 a gallon. (I did that when I was mixing my powdered elixer for Roscoe shots.) That's as pure as water gets, and you can fill up EIGHT of your designer plastic bottles from that one gallon. That's water that has been DISTILLED for about 20 cents a pint. But YOU'LL pay $2.00 a lick without even knowing where it came from. Dumbfucks.

Bejus. People who drink bottled water will destroy this country.

(And I want to add that eight years of my career were spent in steam generation. I know a lot more about "quality water" than most people do. That knowledge is essential in operating boilers and turbine generators. I would like to run a few tests on that piss you pay $2.00 a bottle for and show you what's really in it compared to your tap water.)

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