Gut Rumbles

March 19, 2008

If I were a woman

Originally published July 23, 2003

Maybe I am sick to think this way, but I've always wondered what kind of woman I would have made had I been born female. My brother should have been my SISTER. Maybe then I would have a better perspective on this question.

I grew up in a predominantly male household. I spent much of my life being terrified of wimmen because I didn't understand them. I STILL don't understand them, but I was cursed with lust in my heart and I laid a bunch of them during my guitar-playing career. I married two, lost two homes and two childrern as a result. What did I do after that?

I bought a DICK IMPLANT so that I can chase wimmen until I die. Tell me I'm not fucked up.

Yeah, I cuss wimmen a lot. But I am a damn fine one to do it, seeing how much I like their company.

I want to take a female companion to Charleston and feed her catfish, okra and fried green tomatoes, with a bottle of really nice wine. After that, we'll walk the Historic District, then we'll ride down to the Battery and see Fort Sumter. After that, we'll go back to the motel and fuck like wild dogs.

If I were a woman, I WOULD DO THAT!

It's a good thing I'm not a woman.

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