Gut Rumbles

March 15, 2008

The haunted house

Originally published April 22, 2003

The air conditioner was making all the strange noises I heard last night. Quinton and Jack left a piece of plastic from some toy box stuck to the ceiling in the hallway right under a vent. Every time the blower kicked on, the plastic flapped on the ceiling and sounded just like footsteps in the hall.

I found it today after a very uneasy night. Be glad that you didn't come to visit me yesterday evening. I might have shot your ass.

That sumbitch piece of plastic had me FREAKING last night. When you live by yourself, you become accustomed to the usual noises in your home, and when something starts making sounds that you ARE NOT used to, it'll make your skin crawl. Bejus knows I was froggy last night.

I walked my entire house with a pistol in one hand and a golf club in the other. If I found a stranger, I was going to shoot him, and if I found a wild animal, I was going to break its neck with a King Cobra five-iron. Or vice-versa, depending on how excited I was at the time I encountered the goddam noisemaker. Hell, I was nekkid and wild-eyed at the time. I might have just scared the shit out of anyone I encountered and made them die of a heart attack at the sight of me.

But I found nothing. I didn't sleep well last night.

I didn't find the culprit until an hour ago, when I happened to walk under it when the air conditioner kicked on. "Thump, thump thump," it said, just like a kid's feet walking down the hall. I saw what it was. "You son of a bitch," I thought. I peeled it off the celing and threw it in the trash can. Now the sounds are back to normal around the Crackerbox.

Have YOU ever had something like that happen?

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