Gut Rumbles

February 21, 2008

Just ask

Originally published July 6, 2003

A large mammal (boy, I could have some fun punning off of THAT) asked this question:

What are your requirements for "wimmin"? I know some pretty damned cool ones between Savannah and Charleston. I know some who'd be glad to go fishing and partying with you on these long, three day weekends...and who knows? You might get a Pump Tester.

Here goes:

1. I like wimmen who enjoy the woods.

2. I like wimmen who are ladies in public and sluts in bed.

3. I like wimmen who smoke cigarettes and drink tequila.

4. I like wimmen who eat my cooking with a hearty appetite.

5. I like wimmen who can bait their own hook, catch a fish and handle that flopping critter with their bare hands.

6. I like wimmen who will sit still and let me play guitar and sing for them.

7. I like wimmen EVEN MORE when they can sing and let me do the harmony.

8. I like wimmen who are willing to scratch my back. I purr like a kitten when a woman does that.

9. I like wimmen who own an oyster knife, know how to use it and eats 'em raw.

10. I like wimmen who debate with me about salient and important issues of the day while drinking white zin at the kitchen table after a fine meal that I cooked. No dingbats need apply.

11. I like wimmen with pretty red toenails. I am, LITERALLY, a "sucker" for pretty red toenails. Hey! I have a foot fetish! What's the big deal?

12. I like wimmen who run a blog. I don't really want one of THOSE, because we would fight over the computer all the time. Wait... I take that back. I DO want one of those. We'll just have separate computers. Shit, I've got money.

13. I like wimmen who don't think I look weak when I cry while watching My Big, Fat Greek Wedding.

14. I like wimmen who don't mind getting their hands dirty in my garden. I like wimmen who break a sweat on a hot summer day. I believe the sexiest scent in the world is a musky, sweaty woman.

15. I like wimmen who iron my shirts. I am no fucking good at that.

16. I like wimmen who enjoy lying on a sleeping bag in the middle of nowhere and looking at the stars. I like the ones who will spoon with me when we fall asleep after making love right there.

17. I like wimmen that I can trust. I've not been lucky so far in that regard.

18. I like wimmen who play golf. I'll beat you every time, but that's just because I am better at the game. A good woman will appreciate that fact.

19. I like wimmen who eat their steaks rare, like white zin and let loose a good fart every now and then. I like EARTHY wimmen.

20. I like wimmen who appreciate the WISDOM a gray silver-haired, SEASONED man such as myself can share with them.

It helps if they look good nekkid, too, but that's a secondary concern. I would prefer a good partner over a sex-toy today. Hell, I look good nekkid.

That's enough.

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