Gut Rumbles

July 06, 2003

just ask

A large mammal (boy, I could have some fun punning off of THAT) asked this question:

What are your requirements for "wimmin"? I know some pretty damned cool ones between Savannah and Charleston. I know some who'd be glad to go fishing and partying with you on these long, three day weekends...and who knows? You might get a Pump Tester.

Here goes:

1. I like wimmen who enjoy the woods.

2. I like wimmen who are ladies in public and sluts in bed.

3. I like wimmen who smoke cigarettes and drink tequila.

4. I like wimmen who eat my cooking with a hearty appetite.

5. I like wimmen who can bait their own hook, catch a fish and handle that flopping critter with their bare hands.

6. I like wimmen who will sit still and let me play guitar and sing for them.

7. I like wimmen EVEN MORE when they can sing and let me do the harmony.

8. I like wimmen who are willing to scratch my back. I purr like a kitten when a woman does that.

9. I like wimmen who own an oyster knife, know how to use it and eats 'em raw.

10. I like wimmen who debate with me about salient and important issues of the day while drinking white zin at the kitchen table after a fine meal that I cooked. No dingbats need apply.

11. I like wimmen with pretty red toenails. I am, LITERALLY, a "sucker" for pretty red toenails. Hey! I have a foot fetish! What's the big deal?

12. I like wimmen who run a blog. I don't really want one of THOSE, because we would fight over the computer all the time. Wait... I take that back. I DO want one of those. We'll just have separate computers. Shit, I've got money.

13. I like wimmen who don't think I look weak when I cry while watching My Big, Fat Greek Wedding.

14. I like wimmen who don't mind getting their hands dirty in my garden. I like wimmen who break a sweat on a hot summer day. I believe the sexiest scent in the world is a musky, sweaty woman.

15. I like wimmen who iron my shirts. I am no fucking good at that.

16. I like wimmen who enjoy lying on a sleeping bag in the middle of nowhere and looking at the stars. I like the ones who will spoon with me when we fall asleep after making love right there.

17. I like wimmen that I can trust. I've not been lucky so far in that regard.

18. I like wimmen who play golf. I'll beat you every time, but that's just because I am better at the game. A good woman will appreciate that fact.

19. I like wimmen who eat their steaks rare, like white zin and let loose a good fart every now and then. I like EARTHY wimmen.

20. I like wimmen who appreciate the WISDOM a gray silver-haired, SEASONED man such as myself can share with them.

It helps if they look good nekkid, too, but that's a secondary concern. I would prefer a good partner over a sex-toy today. Hell, I look good nekkid.

That's enough.


hey i'm late to the party, but my questions are over here ___>

Posted by: pril on July 6, 2003 07:02 AM

As usual I have learned something about an internet personality and have subsequently lost all respect for them. My Big, Fat Greek Wedding is the worst movie of all time. Thank you and good night.

Posted by: Dave The Australian on July 6, 2003 08:49 AM

#9 is out. Oysters are just flat out disgusting.

#11 - I use sandy rose on my toes. More maroon than red. Sometimes a funky teal when playing sillies with my daughter.

#15 is out as well. You would take that shit to the cleaners. I might pop them into the dryer for you on wrinkle release, or throw them in the fucking yard for asking me to do it in the first place. Would depend on my mood at the time.

#19 - Change that steak to medium. I like my food dead when I eat it.

Missed 4 out of 20 - Guess I don't qualify.

Posted by: Angie on July 6, 2003 09:04 AM

I would like a wimmin to improve your taste in wine!

Posted by: Brett on July 6, 2003 10:11 AM

Dave the Australian can suck my non-existent dick. What a loser.

Acidman, believe it or not, I know a woman who lives in a little house on the marsh on James Island, SC, who meets all those requirements except for #15. And she can play guitar and harmonize like a pro. Seriously. I'm going to send her the link here (she doesn't know about blogging) and see if she'll check you out. Her name is Dana.

And she looooooves spicy vinegar BBQ sauce.

Posted by: kelley on July 6, 2003 11:26 AM

*smiles* Wouldn't it be great if this leads to something? I met 13 of your qualifications, but I bet when the right one comes along this list goes out the window. :) Trease

Posted by: Trease on July 6, 2003 02:00 PM

Acidman, you have money... PAY someone to iron your goddammed shirts!

What's with the white zin? Couldn't a girl just stick with tequila or Jack?

I don't fish, but I love to hike. Rare steaks are great, but hamburger has to be medium. The jury is still out on me and oysters.

But #3 is the dealbreaker. After I left my ex and regained my sense of smell, I had to wash my entire wardrobe to get the smoke out. Never again.

Posted by: shell on July 6, 2003 08:45 PM

#7 is out. I can carry a tune, it just doesn't sound good.

#9 is out. I HATE seafood.

#14 is a maybe. Too many damn spiders in the garden. I HATE spiders.

#18 is out. Although I'm damn good at mini-golf. (I can see you retching now.)

#19 is out. Well done.

Oh well.

Posted by: serenity on July 7, 2003 08:24 AM

Let's see...
#3 Anejo's best, but Silver's okay for 'every day'.
#9... Ick. okay. -1
#11 is good! My favorite color is "I'm Not Really A Waitress". HA!
#18 I totally suck, but I get out there and whack that little pissant around anyway.
#19 As long as it holds still while I'm cutting it.

So I get 19.. Damn. Ah, well. Does being a Texan get any extra points? :)

Posted by: TB on July 7, 2003 10:06 AM

Good's that white zin again.

Posted by: Jane on July 7, 2003 11:07 AM

White zin, please ~ how 'bout a hearty Barbera or even just a good Merlot?

Posted by: Merry on July 7, 2003 04:53 PM

Where were you 10 yrs ago? It appears that the only thing I don't match up to is the "look good nekkid" request, but what I lack in asthetics I make up for with sheer volume. And I'd be happy to paint my little toenails fire engine red, if you let me do yours once in a while, 'cause I, too, love the way toes curl up like little shrimp when you suck them just right.

Ironing shirts is like therapy, and the only thing that keeps me from slurping down the oysters is that a stomach surgery 6 yrs ago makes it impossible. but if you slice one up for me, I'll slide it down just a little at a time.

And as for the sleeping bag in the great wide open, well, I'm willing to cuddle and spoon for as long as you like, as long as I get to go back to a real bed eventually.

White Zin is nice, as long as you'll sip a little hot Sake once in a while.

And can I sing? High, pure soprano to gutsy, smokey blues, I like them all and sing them all. And I can carry the melody or slide in a high, airy harmony if that's what you like...

I love to watch NASCAR, Pro-Football, college basketball, and bull riding, which is unusual for a city girl from the midwest.

Is there any other way to eat steak? And forget all that steak sauce. I want to taste the meat the way God intended it.

As for #2, does it count if I take you to the "Gentlemen's clubs" and buy you a dance just to get your clock wound? I don't mind who does the winding, as long as I'm the only one there for the alarm.

Salem Light 100's, and I don't need no stinking lime or salt.

I even dig my own worms. Been known to keep a few in the fridge.

And my nails are just sharp enough to scratch through a flannel shirt, but not so sharp that they hurt on Nekkid skin.

And if you want to know if I can argue intelligently, check out my blog...

If you like a natural redhead, with a generous dusting of white, well, I have that covered.

Like I said, where were you 10 years ago... before I met my husband?

Posted by: Mamamontezz on July 7, 2003 06:31 PM

Damn! I TOLD you all the good ones were taken!

Posted by: Acidman on July 7, 2003 07:27 PM

By the way, all you wine-tasters. The dark ones give me a headache. White zin doesn't.

Posted by: Acidman on July 7, 2003 07:29 PM

You ever think of trying a good Pinot Grigio?

Posted by: littlemissattila on July 8, 2003 01:53 AM

Awww... That just brings out the "Mama" in me. Too bad there's no such thing as a Spousal Timeshare.

Posted by: mamamontezz on July 8, 2003 02:34 PM
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