Gut Rumbles

December 29, 2007

Bite my cracker ass

Origianlly published June 8, 2006

I have a fatwah that I'm gonna issue to every reader who called ME an infidel for suggesting that SOMETIMES... it's a good idea to put homegrown tomatoes in the refrigerator. Back up, shut up and listen to ME! I have a bomb-belt strapped to my waist and I wish to he HEARD!!!

Yesterday, I picked several more fresh tomatoes, a few banana peppers, and one bell pepper from my garden. I brought them inside and I put them IN MY REFRIGERATOR. Oh, YES... I DID.

While those fresh vegetables were "chillin," I cut up a beautiful hunk of beef tenderlion, into bite-sized pieces, along with a BIG-ASSED Vidalia onion, and I tossed a big slab of REAL butter and some smashed garlic into a pan to simmer.

(ASIDE!!!--- when I refer to "smashed garlic" in a recipe, I mean the whole-clove kind, where you pick out a nice bud, peel it, and then SMASH IT with the broad side of a knife to bust it up. Then you dice that mess and use it to cook with. Doin' THAT when you sautee will keep vampires away and also make your food taste pretty good.)

While my pan was sizzling and smelling up my nasty kitchen with the aroma of butter and fresh, SMASHED garlic, I tossed in the Vidalia onion slices and let them brown. Shortly after that, I added the beef-chucks and some sliced bell pepper.

I stirred, and waltzed around with a bottle of soy sauce in one hand, and a bottle of Worchestershire Sauce in the other. I did behind-the back, over-the shoulder, between-the-legs sauce addition, and I'm really regretful that nobody else was here to see me do it, OR see the spills that I made on my tee shirt.

I resembled a got-dam ballet dancer. (I was listening to "Sultans of Swing," playing LOUD on my stereo at the time.) I probably needed to be dragged off and shot, but I was enjoying myself.

While that wonderful-smelling delight cooked on my stove, I sliced up some CHILLED tomatoes, some CHILLED banana pepper, some CHILLED bell pepper, another Vidalia onion, and I dragged some kinda Mexican salsa stuff out of a can that I bought in the "Illegal Immigrant" section of the grocery store couple of weeks ago.

I threw all of of that stuff into a Tupperware bowl, soaked it with oilve oil and vinegar, added some super-secret spices, (including terragon and chives) and put a lid on top. I danced a cha-cha all over my kitchen while I shook the hell out of the bowl. I made it rattle like a cheap set of maraccas.

When I was finished... guess what I had?

Too bad, if you don't already know. I AIN'T GONNA TELL YOU!!! Go to MacDonald's and ask THEM. See if you can get the same dish THERE, with extra-large fries!!! BWHAHAHAAAA!!!

Rob can COOK!!! That's all YOU need to know.

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