Gut Rumbles

December 17, 2007

The list (2005 edition)

Originally published December 31, 2005

Here are the Top 10 Assholes of 2005 as chosen by a blue-ribbon selection committee, consisting of...ME.

10) Arlen Specter. “Sphincter” would be a better name. I’ve held nothing but contempt for this political weasel since he cast his nutless-wonder “Not Proven” vote during Clinton’s impeachment. This year, among his other great accomplishments, he decided that the Senate should investigate the suspension of Terrell Owens by the NFL. The guy gives barking moonbats a bad name.

9) Kofi Annan. The United Nations is a corrupt, useless, inept and anti-American organization. Who better to serve as head of this rabble than Kofi? A scandal in MY “Oil For Food” program? HOW DARE YOU suggest such a thing? Move along. Nothing to see here…

8) Ray Nagin. As mayor of New Orleans, he makes a pretty good case for why we should NOT rebuild the city. When we rebuild the city anyway, let’s put up a monument to his colossal incompetence. Make it the statue of a flooded evacuation bus.

7) The New York Times. “All the News That’s Fit to Print?” Bullshit. “All the News That Fits Our Leftist Agenda” would be a more accurate motto. I don’t trust anything they print today (not even the fucking DATE!) and I believe that the NSA “reporting” they did was downright treasonous. Gray Lady, my ass. Fat, pox-riddled whore is more like it.

6) John Murtha. I think the guy’s elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top anymore, and he’s a prime example of why members of Congress should be subject to some kind of regular “senility test.” When they become delusional and believe that the war we’re fighting today is in Vietnam, they should be led away to somewhere quiet, where white-uniformed attendants make sure that they take their medication every day and change their diapers as needed. Of course, if we required sane thinking in Congress, we’d have to get rid of at least ¾ of the dildos that we have there. Hmmm… I like the test idea even better when I put it that way.

5) Glenn Reynolds. I wouldn’t turn my father in to the cops for robbing a bank, but I WILL call Glenn, my blogfather, a shameless shill for PJM. I don’t like the idea of PJM, I don’t believe such a self-aggrandizing, mercenary scheme is healthy for blogging, I don’t think the blogging itself is anything special, and no amount of pimping that ride is gonna change my mind OR make PJM anything other than what it is: a goddam parasite that latched onto a willing, juicy host .

4) NYC Transit Workers. Unions do some fucked-up things today, but the transit goons reached new heights of fucked-uppedness with their Christmas strike. That fiasco surely was a bunch of sound and fury that signified nothing, except the fact that they pissed off a LOT of people. Hell-- they pissed ME off and I don’t ride the NYC subways. What a bunch of assholes.

3) John McCain. Which side is this guy on? Hell--- what PLANET is he on? He crashed five airplanes during his distinguished career as a military pilot and he flies his Senate seat with the same reckless incompetence. If you liked Campaign Finance Reform, you gotta LOVE John McCain. I think he’s not only an asshole, but a dangerous man, desperately in love with himself. Beware anybody who believes that his brain farts smell good.

2) Me. Myself. Acidman. Rob Smith. I’m a fine person to be calling ANYBODY ELSE an asshole after what I did in 2005. I damn nearly drank and drugged myself to death and pulled out of that downward spiral only at the last possible minute. I pissed away a lot of my life, I pissed off many a friend and I piss off MYSELF when I think about it now. I may never fully recover from some of my self-inflicted damage and I’ve got nobody but ME to blame. This list would not be complete without MY name on it.

1) Cindy Sheehan. That woman isn’t a grieving mother--- she’s a professional ghoul, using her dead son as a stepping stone to fame. She’s a disgrace to mothers everywhere and an insult to her son. She is beneath my contempt, but I’m going to generate a heap of it for her anyway. Besides--- I risk being branded as a sexist if I don’t include at least one woman on this list--- so take comfort, ladies. Cindy was the biggest asshole of them all in 2005.

Now--- go have a Happy New year and try NOT to be an asshole in 2006.

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