Gut Rumbles

December 31, 2005

the list

Here are the Top 10 Assholes of 2005 as chosen by a blue-ribbon selection committee, consisting of...ME.

10) Arlen Specter. “Sphincter” would be a better name. I’ve held nothing but contempt for this political weasel since he cast his nutless-wonder “Not Proven” vote during Clinton’s impeachment. This year, among his other great accomplishments, he decided that the Senate should investigate the suspension of Terrell Owens by the NFL. The guy gives barking moonbats a bad name.

9) Kofi Annan. The United Nations is a corrupt, useless, inept and anti-American organization. Who better to serve as head of this rabble than Kofi? A scandal in MY “Oil For Food” program? HOW DARE YOU suggest such a thing? Move along. Nothing to see here…

8) Ray Nagin. As mayor of New Orleans, he makes a pretty good case for why we should NOT rebuild the city. When we rebuild the city anyway, let’s put up a monument to his colossal incompetence. Make it the statue of a flooded evacuation bus.

7) The New York Times. “All the News That’s Fit to Print?” Bullshit. “All the News That Fits Our Leftist Agenda” would be a more accurate motto. I don’t trust anything they print today (not even the fucking DATE!) and I believe that the NSA “reporting” they did was downright treasonous. Gray Lady, my ass. Fat, pox-riddled whore is more like it.

6) John Murtha. I think the guy’s elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top anymore, and he’s a prime example of why members of Congress should be subject to some kind of regular “senility test.” When they become delusional and believe that the war we’re fighting today is in Vietnam, they should be led away to somewhere quiet, where white-uniformed attendants make sure that they take their medication every day and change their diapers as needed. Of course, if we required sane thinking in Congress, we’d have to get rid of at least ¾ of the dildos that we have there. Hmmm… I like the test idea even better when I put it that way.

5) Glenn Reynolds. I wouldn’t turn my father in to the cops for robbing a bank, but I WILL call Glenn, my blogfather, a shameless shill for PJM. I don’t like the idea of PJM, I don’t believe such a self-aggrandizing, mercenary scheme is healthy for blogging, I don’t think the blogging itself is anything special, and no amount of pimping that ride is gonna change my mind OR make PJM anything other than what it is: a goddam parasite that latched onto a willing, juicy host .

4) NYC Transit Workers. Unions do some fucked-up things today, but the transit goons reached new heights of fucked-uppedness with their Christmas strike. That fiasco surely was a bunch of sound and fury that signified nothing, except the fact that they pissed off a LOT of people. Hell-- they pissed ME off and I don’t ride the NYC subways. What a bunch of assholes.

3) John McCain. Which side is this guy on? Hell--- what PLANET is he on? He crashed five airplanes during his distinguished career as a military pilot and he flies his Senate seat with the same reckless incompetence. If you liked Campaign Finance Reform, you gotta LOVE John McCain. I think he’s not only an asshole, but a dangerous man, desperately in love with himself. Beware anybody who believes that his brain farts smell good.

2) Me. Myself. Acidman. Rob Smith. I’m a fine person to be calling ANYBODY ELSE an asshole after what I did in 2005. I damn nearly drank and drugged myself to death and pulled out of that downward spiral only at the last possible minute. I pissed away a lot of my life, I pissed off many a friend and I piss off MYSELF when I think about it now. I may never fully recover from some of my self-inflicted damage and I’ve got nobody but ME to blame. This list would not be complete without MY name on it.

1) Cindy Sheehan. That woman isn’t a grieving mother--- she’s a professional ghoul, using her dead son as a stepping stone to fame. She’s a disgrace to mothers everywhere and an insult to her son. She is beneath my contempt, but I’m going to generate a heap of it for her anyway. Besides--- I risk being branded as a sexist if I don’t include at least one woman on this list--- so take comfort, ladies. Cindy was the biggest asshole of them all in 2005.

Now--- go have a Happy New year and try NOT to be an asshole in 2006.


Fuck! Didn't make the list again.

Posted by: Velociman on December 31, 2005 09:41 PM

Good choices -still think the bonehead Jesse Jackson should be on there, but I guess he's just a given on it every year thus not included each time. Have a good one and don't stop being an asshole, that's a large part of the attraction!

Posted by: Lisa on December 31, 2005 09:42 PM

what's done is done... this will be a good year...

Posted by: maxnnr on December 31, 2005 10:08 PM

awww- no swimming teddy kennedy???

Posted by: mikeymom on December 31, 2005 10:09 PM

looks like a pretty good list to me. Looking forward to seeing you next week

Posted by: GUYK on December 31, 2005 10:09 PM

Good list....especially number one. However, IMHO, an asshole is someone who fucks up and refuses to take responsibility, or doesn't even admit there was ANY fuck-up involved. Therefore that removes you from number 2 Rob...Sorry...

Posted by: Steph on December 31, 2005 10:55 PM

I admire anyone who can take an honest look at themselves then do something about their life. Don't beat yourself up so. You did get there.

Posted by: devildog6771 on December 31, 2005 11:13 PM

Don't believe Reynolds deserves to be on the list.

PJM is just a right of center version of the HuffPost orthe Daily Kos.

and not much different than what Red State did during the election.

Posted by: bt on December 31, 2005 11:55 PM

I'm impressed that you only had ONE woman on your asshole list. No, that does not mean that I'd like to be added but I was impressed that the BC wasn't there. Does this en you are in the starts of not lettingher control your emotions?
I think the Mayor should have been closer to the top of htat list though.
Have a great New Years and OH how I wish I could take a long soak in that new hot tub of yours. Enjoy!

Posted by: Dawn on January 1, 2006 12:05 AM

After reading my comment..(typos)...I may need to step away from the margarita's.


Posted by: Dawn on January 1, 2006 12:08 AM

Quite an impressive list. I like the way you put the American assholes on top and never included the mass murderer's and canibals. The people listed are far more dangerous than any terrorist that will ever exist. At least it's legal to kill a terroeists and should be the same for those politicians that have disgraced themselves and the nation.

Posted by: Scrapiron on January 1, 2006 01:06 AM

Well, at least you're doing something constructive about your assholedom, so you won't have to be on this list for '06! Wishing you a happy and healthy New (in all ways) Year, Rob Smith. Live well and prosper!

Posted by: Marianne in CA on January 1, 2006 05:12 AM

and a Happy New Year to you too, pet :)


Posted by: Misty on January 1, 2006 05:55 AM

Happy New Year Aholeman.

...........where's my fucking tylanol

Posted by: James Hooker on January 1, 2006 06:06 AM

Pretty accurate list.

Missing is Jane Fonda and Dan Rather.

So many assholes, so few bullets.

Posted by: Henry Blowfly on January 1, 2006 07:40 AM

... great list... but it should be the top 100...

Posted by: Eric on January 1, 2006 08:41 AM

What does PJM mean?

Posted by: CHRIS on January 1, 2006 10:37 AM

I live in Nevada, and I would like to start the new year out by APPOLIGIZING for giving the rest of you HARRY REID. He truly belongs on Acidman's asshole list. What a douchbag obstructionist.

Posted by: Max Doubt on January 1, 2006 10:57 AM

happy new year, rob. and i love your list, except this one caveat: you have been an inspiration to many of us by cleaning up and recognizing your weaknesses in this forum. i couldn't find any other inspirational assholes among your list, so you might be the only one who gets better in the new year. congratulations on living through 05 and i hope to see you in 06!

Posted by: shoe on January 1, 2006 11:11 AM

Happy New Year. Good list.

Posted by: Larry on January 1, 2006 01:19 PM

I think PJM is either Pajamma Media, or some sort of blog advertising company...Could be both...Not sure...Google isn't much help either...sorry...

Posted by: Steph on January 1, 2006 02:10 PM

I can't believe how California has fallen. Not only are we completely screwed up, we can't even get anyone on your top ten list of assholes. Why in years past we practically dominated that list;. Must be Arnold's fault, everything else is :)

Posted by: Ole Eichhorn on January 1, 2006 02:21 PM

Great list Rob, Happy New Year !!!

Posted by: Jack on January 1, 2006 02:51 PM

At least you ended the year right by pulling your head our of your ass,and finally getting on the road to recovering some of the damage done. And a Happy New Year!

Posted by: big al on January 1, 2006 06:35 PM

I'm with Mr. Doubt, both geographically within the land of snowcaps, Nevada, and spiritually in my disdain for and embarrassment over Harry Reid.

Posted by: Chris on January 1, 2006 10:13 PM

You're only picking on Glenn Reynolds because you're jealous. And you lack vision. And you are stuck in the second millennium. And you are an Axis Asshole.

Pajamas Media is great. It's better than sex. Pajamas Media relieves headaches. And it's a safe, gentle laxative that works without chemicals. Apply a paste of Pajamas Media to cracks and watch them disappear. Pajamas Media increases your gas mileage and saves you money on income tax.

How much would you pay for this amazing product in stores? A hundred million dollars? Fifty million? Twenty million? Ten? It's yours today for the low, low price of seven million dollars, and we'll throw in a Mr. Microphone, a complete set of Ginsu knives, and a Libman Wonder Mop.

You just wait. The adoring fans will show up any day now, and then the PJs will be rich and not look stupid any more.

Posted by: Steve H. on January 3, 2006 10:11 AM

Good list, especially #1.

I'd have included Tom Cruise, though.

Posted by: Vickie on January 3, 2006 10:38 AM

Nice list. Truthfully though, any Asshole list that doesn't contain my name is incomplete. Just an FYI.

Posted by: physics geek on January 3, 2006 02:00 PM

Kelly from Jacksonville, FL. You have absolutly no class. Getting phone numbers while the girlfriend is in the bathroom is not cute. Actually it kind of makes you seem like a whore. You even mentioned how you were sleeping with your boyfriend and his roomate also. I think there is some unwritten law about that but you really don't care becaue you are the number one ASSHOLE in J-ville. You sleep around like it is your only mission in life.
Chris D. even told me you were going nowhere in life. So I guess he just slept with you possible gave you and moved on. Hope that makes you feel like garbage. I hate men so much but I hate bitches like you just as much.

Posted by: Kelly on June 20, 2007 05:22 PM
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