Gut Rumbles

December 16, 2007


Originally PUBLISHED April 6, 2006

I plead guilty to a hate crime: I HATE the got-dam critters that infest my yard.

I've spent the past week or so planting a garden, putting up bird feeders and adding a few more wind chimes around the Crackerbox. The work is finished, but I'm still suffering the after-effects of it. I don't mean sore muscles, either. I'm talking about insect bites.

I believe that southeast Georgia has some of the most bloodthirsty, annoying, pestiferous and PLENTIFUL bugs you'll ever find. Here are some with which I am doing battle:

1) Fire Ants--- The meanest ants on the planet. I've put out enough Diazanon to kill an army, but I can't get rid of the ants. They just move somewhere else and then counter-attack whenever they see me. I'm still popping little white blisters on my arms, legs and hands from where those bastards bit me. If there is a God, tell me why he put those fuckers in His creation. I've got no use for them.

2) Sand Gnats--- Those flying teeth aren't as bad in Effingham County as they are near the salt marshes, but they still show up to pester me in the mornings and late afternoons. MILLIONS of them swarm from wherever they live to feast on my blood. In their own special way, they are worse than fire ants. If they had the size to match their viciousness, they'd be as big as a Greyhound bus. Without a big bottle of Avon's Skin So Soft, I wouldn't be able to go outside at all. That whore-smelling stuff is the only thing I've ever found that will keep sand gnats from biting.

3) Chiggers--- Some people call these parasitic bastards "red bugs," but I don't. I usually call them obscene names. Root around in your bushes or ANY wooded area around where I live and you'll cuss 'em, too. They are shameless about where they decide to latch on to you (the crotchital area is one of their favorite spots) and they make a big, red welt that itches like hell when they burrow into you. The only way I know to treat the bite is to cover it with clear fingernail polish so that you cut off the chigger's air supply. Even then, they'll last a couple of days before they die. Real shit-asses.

4) Ticks--- Talk about blood-suckers! If you've never had a tick on you, just come visit me. I can remedy your ignorance very quickly. Some people say that you can get a tick out of you by sticking a lit cigarette to his ass, which will make him back out of where he burrowed in. I call bullshit on that idea. I've tried it, and all I ended up with was a cooked tick still embedded in my body. I think you ALWAYS have to pull 'em out by hand. Just make sure the head stays attached when you do that.

5) Yellow Jackets Be careful where you step around here. Yellow jackets nest in the ground, and if you disturb them, they come boiling out of their nest like suds from a warm beer. They're pissed off, too, and they will sting the living shit out of you. When they hit, it feels like you've been shot with a bullet. Hurts like all get-out. They're another good reason for a Bulldog to hate Georgia Tech.

I love living in the South (It's sunny and 80 degrees outside as I write), but I could do without these critters. And I didn't even mention the B-52-sized mosquitoes we have around here. I think they exist just to eat whatever is left over after the other blood-sucking insects get finished feasting on you. Flying hypodermic needles.

Every one of those bastards really bug me.


Do you really need to use expletives with every insect you talk about ? Show some class will you ?

Posted by: jack on February 18, 2010 05:05 PM
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