Gut Rumbles

April 06, 2006

hate crime

I plead guilty to a hate crime: I HATE the got-dam critters that infest my yard.

I've spent the past week or so planting a garden, putting up bird feeders and adding a few more wind chimes around the Crackerbox. The work is finished, but I'm still suffering the after-effects of it. I don't mean sore muscles, either. I'm talking about insect bites.

I believe that southeast Georgia has some of the most bloodthirsty, annoying, pestiferous and PLENTIFUL bugs you'll ever find. Here are some with which I am doing battle:

1) Fire Ants--- The meanest ants on the planet. I've put out enough Diazanon to kill an army, but I can't get rid of the ants. They just move somewhere else and then counter-attack whenever they see me. I'm still popping little white blisters on my arms, legs and hands from where those bastards bit me. If there is a God, tell me why he put those fuckers in His creation. I've got no use for them.

2) Sand Gnats--- Those flying teeth aren't as bad in Effingham County as they are near the salt marshes, but they still show up to pester me in the mornings and late afternoons. MILLIONS of them swarm from wherever they live to feast on my blood. In their own special way, they are worse than fire ants. If they had the size to match their viciousness, they'd be as big as a Greyhound bus. Without a big bottle of Avon's Skin So Soft, I wouldn't be able to go outside at all. That whore-smelling stuff is the only thing I've ever found that will keep sand gnats from biting.

3) Chiggers--- Some people call these parasitic bastards "red bugs," but I don't. I usually call them obscene names. Root around in your bushes or ANY wooded area around where I live and you'll cuss 'em, too. They are shameless about where they decide to latch on to you (the crotchital area is one of their favorite spots) and they make a big, red welt that itches like hell when they burrow into you. The only way I know to treat the bite is to cover it with clear fingernail polish so that you cut off the chigger's air supply. Even then, they'll last a couple of days before they die. Real shit-asses.

4) Ticks--- Talk about blood-suckers! If you've never had a tick on you, just come visit me. I can remedy your ignorance very quickly. Some people say that you can get a tick out of you by sticking a lit cigarette to his ass, which will make him back out of where he burrowed in. I call bullshit on that idea. I've tried it, and all I ended up with was a cooked tick still embedded in my body. I think you ALWAYS have to pull 'em out by hand. Just make sure the head stays attached when you do that.

5) Yellow Jackets Be careful where you step around here. Yellow jackets nest in the ground, and if you disturb them, they come boiling out of their nest like suds from a warm beer. They're pissed off, too, and they will sting the living shit out of you. When they hit, it feels like you've been shot with a bullet. Hurts like all get-out. They're another good reason for a Bulldog to hate Georgia Tech.

I love living in the South (It's sunny and 80 degrees outside as I write), but I could do without these critters. And I didn't even mention the B-52-sized mosquitoes we have around here. I think they exist just to eat whatever is left over after the other blood-sucking insects get finished feasting on you. Flying hypodermic needles.

Every one of those bastards really bug me.


The next time you do a low country crab boil pour the spiced juice on the ants. I don't think it kills them, but they do get the message.

Posted by: Hillbillyallen on April 6, 2006 04:10 PM

Come on the PC term for Chiggers is Chiggros. Don't want to hurt their feelings.

Posted by: lambo on April 6, 2006 04:31 PM

We don't have any of that up here except for the skeeters. The get so big up in the interior of Alaska in the summer that some folks call them the Alaska State bird. Got bumble bees and hornets too, but no ants.

Posted by: Alaska Kim on April 6, 2006 04:32 PM

Put a little nail polish on the ticks ass. Apparently that is how they breathe. I've seen plenty and most of the time they will back out. Just don't put too much or the little fucker will just stick to you.

Posted by: Richard on April 6, 2006 04:39 PM

I told you years ago how to get rid of those redbugs. You shave the hair off half your boby, then set fire to the side with the hairs and when they run out of the burning hair, stick them one by one with a ice prick. That will kill them dead.

Posted by: Catfish on April 6, 2006 04:47 PM

Only sure way to kill fireants is to soak the mound in gasoline, let it soak in, then light a match. Careful that you don't immolate yourself.

Chiggers are easier. Draw a good hot bath, then add a cup or two of liquid bleach. Soak in the bath. The bleach kills the chiggers. On a particularly heavily infested kid, you can see them floating dead in the water.

Yellow jackets? You're own your own. Deal with it.

Posted by: PawPaw on April 6, 2006 04:47 PM

Come to California. The only one of those that we have is wasps.

But we do have a lot of moon bat democrats.

So pick your bloodsucking vermin.


Posted by: Byna on April 6, 2006 05:31 PM

Avon makes skin-so-soft in an unscented formula. Works just as well and doesn't stink. Ticks aren't too hard to get loose. Put a drop of any oil, mineral, motor, olive, baby, or even vaseline or axle grease on 'em. Plugs up their air intakes so they let loose in a couple of minutes. Then you can just pull 'em off with a gentle tug, head and all. I've even used bacon grease a few times. I see no reason butter, margarine, lard or veggie shortening wouldn't work just as fast.

Posted by: Gerry N. on April 6, 2006 06:41 PM

My grandmother,bless her heart,used to put salty meat grease on chigger bites when I was a child about fifty or so years ago. You would get chiggers on your little bag and scratch them until they were raw. Talk about getting your attention when that salty grease hit them sores! Seems to have worked. Ah,the good old days.

Posted by: alcanal on April 6, 2006 07:28 PM

I've had them get into a motorcycle helmet and sting me (wasp), squirt foul poison into my mouth while I was in the garden sweating over a plant-bed (some kind of hateful camouflage stick-thing), and sting my feet (fireants). Our precious insect friends.

Posted by: dogette on April 6, 2006 08:04 PM

I have put down that stuff called "OVER AND OUT" and it appears to be working. The areas where I put it down are ant free but the other part had double the sumbitches it had before. Tomorrow I am going to put down another twenty pounds and drive them down to really give my asshole neighbor something to RAP about

Posted by: GUYK on April 6, 2006 09:08 PM

You are really a handsome guy in that picture of you, bare chested with a tooth pick in your mouth.
You really ought get into gay porno films. You don't have have sex. Just your face, a few poses, than the stand ins take over.
You'd make a bundle.

Posted by: Terry on April 7, 2006 01:39 AM

Well hopefully that means that you DON'T have those dang black biting flies. We only get them once a year, in September, but they will drive you indoors in a matter of a few short mintues. I don't believe there's a spray of any sort that will keep them away either. You can't go to the beach in September because of them. (Though it IS a real hoot to sit at the beach in September and watch the tourists slap the shit out of themselves.)

Posted by: Dawn on April 7, 2006 02:26 AM

I think they all got the memo that you're no longer poisonous to bite!

Posted by: Cythen on April 7, 2006 02:32 AM


Posted by: Wes Jackson on April 7, 2006 03:01 AM

Dawn...I think those are called yellow flies/horse flies or something like that. We do get them, but like you, only during the season. But they are nasty. We also get the palmetto bugs, which are generally called cockroaches. Those are disgusting but as far as I know, they don't bite.

Posted by: Moogie on April 7, 2006 07:35 AM

I live out inthe country and we have chiggers BAD! After I work out in the yard, I run straight to the bathtub and put about a capful of Lysol in my bath water. It is not enough to make you smell, but it is enough to make those little beggers die.

Afterwards, I sometimes shower just to make sure. I have never had anymore itching or red spots on me anymore.

Try it and see if it works. I know some that will put a capful of bleach. I have never tried that.

Posted by: Chrissy on April 7, 2006 08:18 AM

Try grits...pure old dry, old fashioned grits...Them bugs will eat it up, swell, and pop...Bad thing about it is you have to do it every time it rains...But it's super cheap!

For the rest of it, my pasty read-headed self stays inside and avoids all outdoor activities. I get the vapors just *thinking* about going my...

Posted by: Steph on April 7, 2006 08:42 AM

I don't know, I've been to Georgia a few times and I'd put the B-52 mosquitos right at the top of that list. "Whatever is left"in my experience they've always been first in line, you know, after I'd been outside for a good two minutes or so.

Posted by: Nate on April 7, 2006 10:09 AM

Ahhhhhh, yes, the southern mosquitoes. I remember a time I was out in the back 40 on the Texas Gulf Coast and heard an odd hum near sundown. I looked up, and it was a huge black cloud ... of mosquitoes ... heading right for me.

Amazing how fast you can run with the proper incentives.

Posted by: maggot on April 7, 2006 11:43 AM

I may bitch about the winters here but there is nothing like that here in Golden in the summer. I hate bugs and except for some wasps, it's pretty bug free. I should print out your post and hang it up.

Posted by: MM on April 7, 2006 07:39 PM
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