Gut Rumbles

December 07, 2007

Weird mascots

Originally published September 14, 2004

I was eating a bag of Planters peanuts today and I made the mistake of really looking at Mr. Peanut on the front. WTF??? Here's a PEANUT, wearing a top hat, white gloves, a monacle and toting a walking cane. He looks FRENCH, for crying out loud. I can just hear him singing, "Zank Hebbin for Leetle Girls."

The French don't grow peanuts. Jawja farmers do, and they grow them by the ton. A more fitting mascot would be some weathered old fart on a John Deere with a straw hat on his head and his middle finger of one hand extended into the air as he grinned. "EAT ME!!!" Should be the trademark motto.

You know what else is a shitty mascot? Those got-dam dancing M&Ms. If M&Ms REALLY danced, they'd look like multi-colored cockroaches coming out of that bag and kids would run screaming from them while parents started stomping and spraying Raid all over the place. Who came up with that idea? A kid with MY kind of imagination could have nightmares over that kind of crap.

You know who else I never trusted? The Jolly Green Giant. Oh yeah--- he APPEARED benevolent and he had that booming "HO! HO! HO!" laugh, kinda like Santa Claus, but he was just too fucking BIG for that valley. If I lived there, I'd try to figure out a way to kill him before he got pissed off one day and stomped my village flat. What if Mike Tyson ever possessed the Giant's body? Would YOU feel safe in the valley?

I had a few problems with The Frito Bandito, too, but I won't elaborate on those because I'm straying into ethnic territory and I don't want to be called a racist again. I WILL admit that I suspect Ronald McDonald is gay.

Give me Tony The Tiger anytime.

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