Gut Rumbles

September 14, 2004

weird mascots

I was eating a bag of Planters peanuts today and I made the mistake of really looking at Mr. Peanut on the front. WTF??? Here's a PEANUT, wearing a top hat, white gloves, a monacle and toting a walking cane. He looks FRENCH, for crying out loud. I can just hear him singing, "Zank Hebbin for Leetle Girls."

The French don't grow peanuts. Jawja farmers do, and they grow them by the ton. A more fitting mascot would be some weathered old fart on a John Deere with a straw hat on his head and his middle finger of one hand extended into the air as he grinned. "EAT ME!!!" Should be the trademark motto.

You know what else is a shitty mascot? Those got-dam dancing M&Ms. If M&Ms REALLY danced, they'd look like multi-colored cockroaches coming out of that bag and kids would run screaming from them while parents started stomping and spraying Raid all over the place. Who came up with that idea? A kid with MY kind of imagination could have nightmares over that kind of crap.

You know who else I never trusted? The Jolly Green Giant. Oh yeah--- he APPEARED benevolent and he had that booming "HO! HO! HO!" laugh, kinda like Santa Claus, but he was just too fucking BIG for that valley. If I lived there, I'd try to figure out a way to kill him before he got pissed off one day and stomped my village flat. What if Mike Tyson ever possessed the Giant's body? Would YOU feel safe in the valley?

I had a few problems with The Frito Bandito, too, but I won't elaborate on those because I'm straying into ethnic territory and I don't want to be called a racist again. I WILL admit that I suspect Ronald McDonald is gay.

Give me Tony The Tiger anytime.


What about the Lucky Charms leprechaun?

Posted by: caltechgirl on September 14, 2004 03:58 PM

When I was really young, Mr. Clean would scare the shit out of me.

Posted by: D.J. M.B. on September 14, 2004 04:17 PM

Yeah, MB. Mr. Clean looks too much like Jesse Ventura. You become covinced that the bald-headed guy is going to clean the kitchen, then come body-slam YOU in your bedroom.

He scared the shit out of me, too.

Posted by: Acidman on September 14, 2004 04:29 PM

..I wouldn't mind slow-roasting the Trix Bunny with some onions and carrots..

Posted by: Eric on September 14, 2004 06:20 PM

You obviously haven't seen the new Planters commercial with Mr. Peanut disco dancing. Fuckanut, it's strange.

Mr. Clean is the ultimate gay icon, which is why my pissant brother gave a Mr. Clean T shirt recently. I'll wear it to the blogfest.

Posted by: Velociman on September 14, 2004 07:18 PM

Have you looked at a bag of corn-nuts lately? Holy crap, what's that corn cob's problem?

Posted by: Dave Munger on September 14, 2004 07:40 PM

All this mascot talk reminds me of the old joke about the guy who put a gay "Tiger in his Tank". It blew the engine.

Posted by: Phil on September 14, 2004 08:43 PM

I think somebody needs to report Cap'n Crunch to the people who nabbed Michael Jackson.

Posted by: McGehee on September 14, 2004 10:17 PM

Stranger and stranger, the mental wonderings of a retired man. Next he will be taking about boob size as related to red toe nails.

Posted by: James Old Guy on September 15, 2004 10:09 AM

I don't know, Acidman. I'd go along with the "French" verdict if Monsieur Peanut were dressed in a black turtleneck, needed a shave, and had a Gauloise hanging from his mouth.

I look at Mr. Peanut and see a dapper, charming character from one of the classic 30's movie the ones Edward Everett Horton so frequently played, as he did in "Top Hat".

Posted by: Mike James on September 15, 2004 06:38 PM

researching if mr peanut is gay was on my to do list (swear t'god I'm not making that up). I leave as I entered- confused and hungry.

Posted by: trevorlocity on October 5, 2004 02:43 PM
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