Gut Rumbles

October 08, 2007

Stupidity knows no bounds

Originally published October 8, 2003

I've done a lot of backpacking and run into many wild critters, a few of which made me very nervous at the time. Wake up in a hammock in the middle of the night to the sound of something trying to drag your pack out of a tree, figure right away that it's a thieving racoon and yell, "GET OUTTA THERE!" while shining a flashlight on the perp.

When you find yourself staring at the business end of a SKUNK in the spotlight, trust me... your blood runs cold.

I've never encountered bear in the woods, but my friend Cop 3 did once. The bear never came in the tent, but he DID drag both packs out of the trees and off into the night, where he proceeded to destroy everything in them. My friend can tell a pretty good story about that night, because the partner he was with brought a big, fat summer sausage into the tent that night that made the entire tent smell like pepperoni.

When the bear started snorting and growling around outside the tent, Cop 3 pulled out his pocketknife. "What the hell do you think you're going to do with THAT puny thing?" his partner asked. "You can't hurt a bear with a pocket knife!"

"I ain't trying to hurt that bear," Cop3 replied. "But if it tries to come in ONE side of this tent, I'm going OUT the other."

But, some people like to play "dancing with bears." They often end up as bear shit in the process.

A California author and filmmaker who became famous for trekking to Alaska's remote Katmai coast to commune with brown bears has fallen victim to the teeth and claws of the wild animals he loved.

Alaska State Troopers and National Park Service officials said Timothy Treadwell, 46, and girlfriend Amie Huguenard, 37, were killed and partially eaten by a bear or bears near Kaflia Bay, about 300 miles southwest of Anchorage, earlier this week.

They aren't called "wild animals for nothing."

A self-proclaimed eco-warrior, he attracted something of a cult following too. Chuck Bartlebaugh of "Be Bear Aware,'' a national bear awareness campaign, called Treadwell one of the leaders of a group of people engaged in "a trend to promote getting close to bears to show they were not dangerous.

Well, he surely proved his point, the fucking dipwit. Typical "eco-warrior" mentality in action.

"He was kind of a goofy guy," Dixon said. "It took me a while to get in tune with him. His whole life was dedicated to being with the bears, or teaching young people about them. That's all he ever did. It was always about the bears. It was never about Timothy. He had a passion and he lived his passion. There will be no one to replace him. There's just nobody in the bear world who studies bears like Timothy did."

Well, he can study them from the inside out now. Fucking dipwit.

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