Gut Rumbles

October 08, 2003

stupidity knows no bounds

I've done a lot of backpacking and run into many wild critters, a few of which made me very nervous at the time. Wake up in a hammock in the middle of the night to the sound of something trying to drag your pack out of a tree, figure right away that it's a thieving racoon and yell, "GET OUTTA THERE!" while shining a flashlight on the perp.

When you find yourself staring at the business end of a SKUNK in the spotlight, trust me... your blood runs cold.

I've never encountered bear in the woods, but my friend Cop 3 did once. The bear never came in the tent, but he DID drag both packs out of the trees and off into the night, where he proceeded to destroy everything in them. My friend can tell a pretty good story about that night, because the partner he was with brought a big, fat summer sausage into the tent that night that made the entire tent smell like pepperoni.

When the bear started snorting and growling around outside the tent, Cop 3 pulled out his pocketknife. "What the hell do you think you're going to do with THAT puny thing?" his partner asked. "You can't hurt a bear with a pocket knife!"

"I ain't trying to hurt that bear," Cop3 replied. "But if it tries to come in ONE side of this tent, I'm going OUT the other."

But, some people like to play "dancing with bears." They often end up as bear shit in the process.

A California author and filmmaker who became famous for trekking to Alaska's remote Katmai coast to commune with brown bears has fallen victim to the teeth and claws of the wild animals he loved.

Alaska State Troopers and National Park Service officials said Timothy Treadwell, 46, and girlfriend Amie Huguenard, 37, were killed and partially eaten by a bear or bears near Kaflia Bay, about 300 miles southwest of Anchorage, earlier this week.

They aren't called "wild animals for nothing."

A self-proclaimed eco-warrior, he attracted something of a cult following too. Chuck Bartlebaugh of "Be Bear Aware,'' a national bear awareness campaign, called Treadwell one of the leaders of a group of people engaged in "a trend to promote getting close to bears to show they were not dangerous.

Well, he surely proved his point, the fucking dipwit. Typical "eco-warrior" mentality in action.

"He was kind of a goofy guy,'' Dixon said. "It took me a while to get in tune with him. His whole life was dedicated to being with the bears, or teaching young people about them. That's all he ever did. It was always about the bears. It was never about Timothy. He had a passion and he lived his passion. There will be no one to replace him. There's just nobody in the bear world who studies bears like Timothy did.''

Well, he can study them from the inside out now. Fucking dipwit.


I saw this on the internet last night, before they had released the details about who they were and wondered why the guy didn't have a gun with him and figuired he was probably some Econut. Then I thought that he probably couldn't have minded sacraficing himself to the poor missunderstood bears. Guess I was right.

Posted by: Diane K on October 8, 2003 05:36 PM

"He was kind of a goofy guy,'' Dixon said. "It took me a while to get in tune with him. His whole life was dedicated to being with the bears"

Looks like he acheived his goal. But this too shall (be) pass(ed).

Posted by: Jim on October 8, 2003 05:39 PM

Actually I read the whole story in my local paper this morning and it said that, get this, guns were prohibited on that island. So they let people camp there with the poor bears, but they can't have guns.

Posted by: Diane K on October 8, 2003 05:40 PM

I love it when Darwin is proven to be right. I hope all the soy beans and sprouts inside that hippie didn't give the bear an upset stomach.

This would be why I bring a .44 mag revolver along whenever I go camping, loaded with my own wrist-snapper specials. Probably won't kill a bear with the first one, but it'll certainly change his mind about an easy snack in a hurry.

Posted by: Mr. Lion on October 8, 2003 05:48 PM

Well, it's hard to blame the bears, although the investigating rangers killed two of them. There are certain things you don't do around bears. If you are a woman, you don't go into the woods with bears when you are having your menses. If you are a couple, you don't have sex in bear country. Both of these things are known to attract bears to follow the scent directly to you.

Wanna bet that one of these two events occurred in this incident? Wanna bet against it?

Posted by: Rivrdog on October 8, 2003 05:50 PM

Having been sprayed by a skunk once, I can TOTALLY relate.

I let my dog out of the sliding glass doors in our diningroom early one morning. I had left a bag of garbage next to those doors the night before. Anyways, the dog got behind the skunk and herded it INTO the fucking house. It ran in a circle under the diningroom table and back out the door...flicking it's pissed covered tale all over the place.

Have ya ever smelled FRESH skunk piss? Have ya ever smelled FRESH skunk piss all over you? In your HOUSE? Man, it's like no other smell in the world. And whoever it was that started the rumor that tomato juice takes away the smell ought to be SHOT.


Just the memory of it makes me wanna go take a shower.

Posted by: Chablis on October 8, 2003 06:30 PM

I read an MSNBC story that said the guy who shot the bear fired "11 shots from a semi-automatic handgun" before the bear gave up the ghost 12 feet away from the shooter.

Do ya reckon he was using a 9mm pistol?

I don't believe that it would take 11 shots from a .45.

Posted by: Acidman on October 8, 2003 07:01 PM

"Do ya reckon he was using a 9mm pistol?

I don't believe that it would take 11 shots from a .45."

It might if his hand was shaking as he watched a FUCKING GRIZZLY rush at him...

(Damn sure know MY hand'd be shakin'...)

Re: Skunks... Couple funny stories 'bout skunks...

Took the wife (pre-wife at the time) camping down on Cape Cod one summer. We had a campsite with electricity, so we'd brought a small B&W TV with us for sh!ts 'n' giggles.

Well, we had that 12" Sears special propped up on top of the beer cooler and were eating dinner and watching some dumbass show when I felt something furry brush against my shin. At the time, my parents had three cats at the house, so I was used to fuzzy animals brushing against my legs at dinner.

I absentmindedly reached down and started petting the animal.

Yup. Skunk.

Apparently, he liked being petted, because he didn't spray me. He also kept coming back to the campsite until I marked the territory m'self. (Yep, just like you think)...

'Course, that doesn't compare to the time my dad thought a cat was camping out under our porch, so he runs out on the back deck with his State Police jackboots and starts stomping on the deck and screaming, "Get out of there, you fucker".

He got sprayed. Baaaad.

Posted by: Guy Montag on October 8, 2003 08:50 PM


Actually, Grizzly skulls have been known to deflect light .44 Magnum loads, which are about twice (or more) as powerful as .45 ACP.

If I ever step into bear country, the absolute smallest weapon I will consider carrying will be a carbine in .44 Magnum, with heavy hunting loads. Most likely I won't even screw around with that. 12 Gauge loaded with 3 inch Magnum 000, alternating with slugs, ought to get the job done nicely, should it ever need doing.

Posted by: Eichra Oren on October 8, 2003 10:40 PM

I think the world's IQ just went up a notch with the death of that utter moron. Someone should've told the dipshit that bears are attracted to bleeding hearts.


Ex cuse me, I have a lonely alligator that needs a hug.

Posted by: Brent on October 8, 2003 10:48 PM

In bear country I camp with either .30-06 or 44 mag. The 44 mags are Garretts, of course. Gotta have the right ammo, don'tcha know?

Posted by: Hank on October 8, 2003 11:28 PM

For more about the bear story, go to and read the top story. I've lived in Alaska for 30 years and I'm still scared shitless of bears. That guy was nuts.

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