Gut Rumbles

September 10, 2007


Originally published April 7, 2004

Good news first:

*I did my income taxes today and I'm not going to get raped as badly as I first thought. I still pay the feds a lot of money, but I withheld enough to almost cover the balance. I get a small refund from the state.

*My daughter is coming to visit this weekend. I look forward to seeing her.

*I still feel fairly human, with no flu-like relapses so far today. The numbness in my fingers and toes kind of comes and goes now, and it's not nearly as bad as it was.

*I ate a boiled egg today. That's the first solid food I've been able to shove down my gullet since last Saturday.

Bad News:

*I hatched a great plan yesterday. Young Jack came over to borrow a Playstation II game, and I gave him $5.00 to call Quinton and let him know that his sister would be in town this weekend. I also told Jack to tell Quinton to call me. (That's not a violation of the restraining order.) Jack checked back with me four times after that and said that he got only the answering machine every time he called Quinton. He offered me my $5.00 back. I told him to keep it. He held up his part of the bargain. Jennifer must be out of town with Quinton and her latest lover.

*I saw a program on the History Channel today about the carving of mount rushmore. I never knew that the project ran out of money and that it is an unfinished work. It looks pretty good to me. One part of the narration mentioned that another such monument will never be created in the USA because environmental impact studies would take 5 to 10 years to be approved, and even if they WERE approved, environmentalists would find some kind of endangered species of red-tailed blowfly that lived in the Black Hills, sue the shit out of everybody around and delay construction for another 20 years with the case tied up in court. That's one reason I despise environmentalists.

*I live near The Highway That Will NEVER Be Finished. this guy (even though he hasn't updated his blog in a while) probably remembers when the truman parkway began construction, amid the biggest tax-and-bond boondoggle I've ever seen in a town known well for its boondoggles. I believe that I was in high school at the time. I am now 52 years old, and the Truman Parkway runs all of about five miles. Some environmental nutball spotted a bald eagle's nest on the construction route once, and shut down building for two years, until the eagles flew away and didn't come back. Then, ANOTHER environmental nut-case insisted on soil samples near the golf course that removed two holes to accomidate the parkway. Sure enough, since the golf course was built on an old city dump, "experts" found levels of lead, mercury and cadmium high enough to declare the place a goddam Superfund site and require five years of remediation before construction could continue. Millions of dollars went down the drain to "clean up" the site, despite the fact that people have been playing golf there for 50 fucking years without dropping dead. I despise environmentalists.

*Troll spottings seem to be increasing on this blog. Fuck 'em, the nasty-assed, booger-eating, pimply-faced assholes. I detect a lot of envy in what those dickheads write. What, butthead? Nobody reads YOUR blog? I wonder why? Grow up, learn to write and come back when you move out of your mama's house, you evil, misguided brat. Somebody needs to bitch-slap your mama for raising a piece of shit such as you.

*I watched Harlan County War on HBO the other night. I wanted to puke. I like Holly Hunter and I believe that she did a good job in the movie, but it was all so fake to me that I couldn't stand it. I took one look at the background and I knew right away that the movie wasn't filmed in Harlan County (Ottawa, Canada is where they shot it). Holly went to her best Southern accent, but she sounded like a woman from Georgia, not a hillbilly. Nobody else seemed to care about the regional sound that is so familiar to my ears. I'll give you a few examples:

Pear. That's how you pronounce "power" in eastern Kentucky. ("I know whatcher problem is. You got no pear to that starter.")

Hit. That means "it" in eastern Kentucky. ("Hit made me laugh 'till I thought I was gonna bust a gut.")

A. That means "hey" in eastern Kentucky. ("A, Ernie, A, Rob! Wanna play some bowel?")

Bowel. That means "ball" in eastern Kentucky. See above.

Got-damn! If they were going to claim any kind of authenticicty, they should have hired a dialogue coach familiar with the sounds of hillbilly-talk. I don't speak that way anymore, but the sound remains music to my ears. I missed hearing it in that movie.

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