August 30, 2007

For the blog: Cat bombs

Originally published November 21, 2005

I've been hit by small-arms fire in the form of "cute" cat pictures. I've also been carpet-bombed by cat-cards from all over the country. Somebody even hit me with a tactical nuke in the form of a "Cat-O-Poly" board game. I thought I had seen it all. I was mistaken.

Toni Kilpatrick launched a full spread of photon torpedos and scored a crippling hit on the starship Acidman with a stuffed cat complete with battery-powered "meows". The nurses thought it was so adorable that they INSISTED that I keep the damn thing in my room.

There it sits as I write- staring at me from my bedside desk. It has blue eyes and it's nose lights up red when it meows. It radiates pure, unadultrated cat evil. It's just waiting for the right moment when I'm asleep at night to creep onto my chest and suck all the breath out of me. Adorable, my cracker ass.

Toni, thank you for the wonderful gift. One fine day, I will track you down and express my gratitude in person by choking you with my bare hands.

I hate goddamn cats!

(Posted by Acidman in letters from rehab)