Gut Rumbles

May 20, 2007


Originally published January 27, 2006

I've always maintained that honesty isn't always the best policy, especially in dealing with the opposite sex. I'm not talking about BIG lies, such as having an affair or posting nekkid pictures of your mate on the internet and denying that you did it. I'm talking about little white lies, the oils that lubricate a happy relationship.

Guys, NEVER tell HER that the new dress she likes makes her ass look fat, even if it does. She doesn't want to hear that ego-crushing shit, so LIE about it. Tell her that seeing her in that dress makes you horny. DO NOT tell her that EVERYTHING makes you horny.

Gals, NEVER tell a guy that he has a little dick, even if he does. He doesn't want to hear that ego-crushing shit, so LIE about it. Tell him that he's a regular Conan in the sack and that if he were any bigger, you're not sure that you could take it. Tell him that he makes you horny. DO NOT tell him that you've seen bigger peckers on bluebirds.

That's what I call "situation ethics" and you should look at The Big Picture before you open your mouth and blurt out a hurtful truth. Besides, if you love somebody, you're supposed to make 'em feel good whenever you can. If little white lies work, use them.

But I don't believe in keeping a lot of secrets, either. I read this crap and decided that I wouldn't WANT a partner that I had to fool ALL the time, especially about the stuff on that list.

In MY humble opinion, most of the "Never Tell Her" list is petty and childish, things that only a hormonally-driven, jealous-minded, overly-sensitive, hissy-pitching dingbat would care about in the first place. It's soap-opera crap.

Hmmm.... now that I think about it, maybe you SHOULDN'T tell HER...

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