Gut Rumbles

April 12, 2007


Originally published May 31, 2006

I rode with Recondo 32 from Tacoma, Washington all the way to Bluffton, South Carolina and I was in charge of the map the entire way. Recondo 32 drove the Shelby Mustang "Snake," and I navigated.

The rule when we started the trip was... "NO FUCKING INTERSTATES!!! We stay on the BACK ROADS!!! But...uh... try to find some decent back roads. Look for the...uh.. BIG RED lines on the map."

That "big red line" thing was no eye-crosser once we rumbled through Washington state on Highway 2. (The Cascades are beautiful.) After we crossed the Idaho panhandle and entered Montana, those big red lines were NO PROBLEM to follow, because there ain't that many of them in Montana.

Even at an average speed of 65 MPH, including the slowdowns for small towns (Pop. 28), where Recondo 32 obeyed the ridiculous speeed limits, we still took TWO DAYS to drive all the way across that state. It's BIG, people. And it's awesome to behold, too.

Once we hit America's breadbasket (Nebraska, Iowa, Missouri, Illinios, and Indiana) the big red lines on the map were EASY to read, because those states are laid out in straight lines and boxes, so that you KNOW when you're headed east. You can't SEE a got-dam thing except corn-fields, but at least you know that you're headed in the right direction.

I was an EXCELLENT navigator until we spent the night in Lexington, Kentucky. I somehow managed to lose the MAP, but I, by-Gawd, KNEW where we were by then, so we didn't NEED no stinkin' map to get back home.

That's how we ended up in West Virginia, but I don't want to talk about that...

I'm pretty good with a map, and I navigated us through West Virginia and right into Lewellen, Kentucky, the site of the coal mining camp where I was raised. Wasn't much there to see, so we rumbled off to North Carolina, where we spent the night in a motel that was hosting a "Classic Car Show."

Bejus! Recondo and I spoiled some of those fully restored old Bentleys and Reos by slobbering all over them as if they were nekkid wimmen. I saw an absolutely GORGEOUS 1957 Chevrolet Bel-Air and I think I soiled my pants. I tried to talk Recondo into stealing it, but he wouldn't help me, the pussy.

THAT was a damn good-looking car... and so were the rest of them (almost 100 CLASSICS), but I digress...I'm just tryin' to give you a picture of what kind of adventures you probably WILL have on a trip like that one.

If YOU want to do it, let me know. I'm a damn good navigator.

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